Modern technology can be difficult and I’m not just talking about using it. I’m talking about obtaining it. I have been trying to acquire an internet connection at a commercial building that I am renting for about a month now (which for us internet junkies is the equivalent of one year at least). Here’s the progress so far…
I call the first internet company. ME: “I’m calling because I’d like to set up a new internet connection.” THEM: “Well, I don’t know. What is your address?!” I give the required information and I am told that they don’t provide service in my area. ME: “Oh, ok. Thank you for your time.” THEM: “I can set you up with a package deal of phone, internet and tv.” ME: “But you don’t provide internet in my area?” THEM: “Correct.” ME: “No thanks, the internet is what I need the most.” THEM: “How about high speed at 1/2 the price for 6 months?!” ME: ?!?** I once again decline even though high speed of nothing is quite tempting.
I call the second internet company. ME: “I’m calling because I’d like to set up a new internet connection.” THEM: “It will be at least a week and a half before we can get a tech out.” ME: “Alright, I guess I’ll have to wait then.” We get the appointment set up. Sort of. A date is set but the time is “Sometime between 8 am and 5 pm”. Good. Glad we could get that nailed down. On the day of the appointment, I sit at the building waiting for many hours. A call to the office assures me that “He’s out there.” Out where, exactly? Out in the country? In outer space? And, are we still talking about internet installation? Now it sounds like he might be “out there” spying on people from the bushes or luring little kids into an ice cream truck. When I finally decide to leave at 6 pm, “he” may have been “out there” but he never showed his face at my place.
When I get home, I angrily call the company for a refund or at least an explanation. ME: “My tech never arrived.” THEM: “You could have checked online to see where your tech was at.” ME: “How, exactly? I had no internet.” THEM: “Your tech will call if they are going to be late.” ME: “They never showed at all and no call either.” THEM: “Our techs are very busy.” ME: “I certainly understand that but I’m wondering when someone might be able to come?” THEM: “Two weeks from now or more.” When I then ask for a refund of the $175 I have already paid them I am told “NO refunds until we get the modem back”. ME: “I have NO modem!” THEM: “What did you do with it?!” ME: “Nothing! I never had one because nobody ever showed up to give me one!” THEM: “I’ll have to connect you with my manager.” The conversation did not improve.
I call the third internet company. ME: “I’m calling because I’d like to set up a new internet connection.” THEM: “Sure, let’s get you scheduled!” Oh, progress! On the appointment day someone actually shows up! Unfortunately, he says he can’t “see” the tower from there because it is a gloomy day so he doesn’t know if it will work or not. He tells me he will be back next week to “look again”. I can’t wait. I guess all I can do is stare up to the sky and pray to the internet Gods. Wish me luck…
Passwords. They are everywhere. You can’t do anything without them. Those little login boxes are lurking all around just waiting to mock at me and spew out “Password incorrect, please try again”. For “safety” reasons we are told to not reuse the same password for different places. And, it shouldn’t be anything obvious like our address, kids’ names or favorite sports team. How on Earth could I remember anything else, most days I can barely recall what day of the week it is. I would seriously have to remember about 20 different user name/password combinations just to get through the day. Now, most sites have added the bonus of needing a capital letter, a symbol, a number and who knows what else. Like it wasn’t hard enough to begin with. I keep trying what I think the password is until I get the message asking me if I have forgotten my password. No, I am purposely entering the wrong crap just to waste time and see if I can drive myself crazy. Then, you get the endless questions verifying that this is your account. What is my favorite food? What was my first job? What was the name of your first pet? Now, you would think I should know the answers to these questions. After all, I have answered them before and this shit is about me. But, sometimes I still get it wrong and receive a message saying I have to contact customer service. At that point I start cussing, slam the computer down and give up the fight. Until we meet again…which is probably tomorrow.
It’s 11:30 last night, I hear a big BOOM. Then, I am left sitting here in complete darkness. You are never really prepared for this situation. So, as I draw a blank on where any flashlights might be located, I resort to lighting every candle in the house. Now it smells like a cupcake factory and looks like a shrine. I end up using my daughter’s Thomas the Train flashlight which is of little help and shouts fun phrases with every push of the handle like “Clattering Carriages, it’s dark in here” and “I will light the way”. You suck Thomas, you can’t even light the bathroom so I can see to take a piss. After hours of no power (which means no heat or water either), the power flutters on and off until about 5am when it finally stayed on for good. I had run down every battery in every electronic device I had, No TV and No internet make for a very long night. I think to myself “ok, here is your wake-up call that you rely a little too heavily on technology, you should work on that”. And, I did have the best of intentions. But then today, I have been without internet since 5pm. I can’t do it, I won’t. Well, excuse me while I drive around until I find some wifi to send this message out. I might have to resort to a message in a bottle. Keep an eye out for it…
I hate to admit that technology has handed my ass to me again but, even I know when I have been defeated. The original idea seemed simple enough. I was trying to put together a 1 minute film to enter into a contest. 3 days later, the mission has still not been accomplished and I am ready to destroy the next machine that gets in my way.
Because I have pictures, videos, slides and sound clips in various places, I ended up using 5 different computers just to collect all of the media I wanted. Plus, one computer has a file converter, one has my video camera software installed on it, one has backup picture files and so on. With the power of flash drives, I finally managed to get all of the data on one computer and a day later, I had a completed video. We’re done right? Nope. More conversions to create the proper file type.
Next, I log onto the website to enter my video. After signing my life away to create an account, I load the video. So far, so good. The next screen asks for a bunch more info, no problem. The last page wants me to load a cover photo for the film. I do, it won’t load. I try again and again, no luck. I notice a box that says “If you are having trouble loading your photo, email ______” So, this happens often huh? I email that person and she starts spouting off the necessary dimensions, ratios and file names. My response is…”What?” But, I try again and again and again. You win technology, my brain hurts.
I’m a little slow advancing with technology since I hate change and well, I’m poor. But, my husband was kind enough to buy me an iPad. I have to admit, it’s pretty great. When I opened the package I thought; alright, now I can play games, send emails and search the web with ease. NEVER did it cross my mind that I had just been given a new sex partner. Have you heard of the Fleshlight Launchpad?? Now, you can literally have sex with your iPad. I’ve heard of becoming too attached to technology but this takes it to a whole new level.
Alright, so who is the sicko that wasn’t getting laid and thought to themselves; if only I could screw my iPad? Excuse me Apple, I thought you promoted “family friendly” products? How do you explain why the screen is all sticky when little Emily wants to play Candy Crush Saga? And, if Junior discovers what this is, he will never come out of his room again. What aisle of Wal-Mart do you think you would find this item? Gizmos and Gadgets? Hardware?
This product isn’t new, it actually came out last July. Reportedly, millions have been sold. Millions of pairs of Uggs have been sold also. Doesn’t make that right. Nasty. The sex toy is gross too.
Technology hates me. It attacks me every chance it gets. I was sitting here on the couch yesterday, minding my own business and the printer suddenly starts printing out stuff and spitting it all over the floor. What’s it printing? Oh you know, that document I tried to print months ago. I guess the waiting time is a bit longer than I expected. And, no matter how many times I press that red X, it won’t STOP printing. There goes all of my ink and paper. This printer is supposed to scan stuff too. Let me tell you this, it doesn’t. I gave up trying. It just made me want to kick and punch it right in the paper tray.
My laptop is out to get me too. It is completely possessed. Some days, the screen just turns blue and it refuses to turn off or come back on. I throw it a lot, probably doesn’t help. The latest trick it pulls is just turning the Wifi off. It never happens when I’m browsing Facebook or playing games, only when I am doing something important. I yell at it a lot, probably doesn’t help. Hey, if that piece of crap was nice to me, I might be nice to it too. Until then, the war is on.
This is the Rubik’s cube as I remember it. Bright colors, simple idea, a fun toy. Of course I was never able to solve it but, at least I felt like it was possible.
This is the puzzle they are selling at stores now. What the hell happened? Why did we have to “improve” on this? Was it not difficult enough for kids? I guess they are learning things at record speed. Heck, my one year old was playing with my cell phone and sent me an email. I didn’t even own a cell phone until I was in my 20’s. My ten year old knows how to do things on an iPad that I am clueless about. At least I know who to go to for technical assistance. With my kids mastering the technology of the world, it will leave me with more free time to do things like solve that damn Rubik’s cube.
I sort of hate technology. Sure, I sort of love technology too. But, what I hate is the fact that we can never disconnect. By creating a world where we are always “plugged in”, there is never a moment of peace. With smartphones, laptops, I-pads, I-pods, Kindles and so on, there is nowhere left to run and nowhere left to hide.
There are probably just a handful of individuals in the world who are so important, they need to be reachable at all times. What is wrong with the rest of us? With our cellphones in our pockets 24/7, your boss, your mother in law and even your cable provider are able to harass you at any time. And, have you noticed how angry people get if you don’t answer the phone right away? Excuse me for wanting to eat my lunch or take a piss in private! But, if you don’t answer, or don’t call back within five minutes, then the text messages will start coming in. “What are you doing?”, “Why aren’t you answering?”, “Are you ignoring me?” Yes, I am ignoring you because you won’t leave me the hell alone! Call or text a person one time. If they want to get back to you, they will. Otherwise, rent a clue and move on to tormenting the next person. Or better yet, leave the technology at home and go out and enjoy life a little bit.