Ears On The Road

Standard

earbuds   What’s with all of these idiots driving around with ear buds in? Seems much worse (or at least the same) as texting or talking on the phone. I don’t think the phone is the problem, I think it is the conversation. If you are in a monster fight with your boyfriend, your state of mind might not be the best for maneuvering turns or parallel parking. Music is my vice. I am always fumbling around with the iPod finding my sick beats and paying less attention than I should to the road. I have seen people apply makeup while driving and even reading a book. Don’t you just love those people who are eating while driving?! It’s never like a banana or an apple either. It is a Big Mac Meal dripping all over the place. The guy with the ear buds today was enjoying a juicy burger WHILE he rocked his ear buds. Both things must have been enjoyable as he was perfectly content to sit at a red light for not one but two cycles. Blasting on the horn doesn’t help and unfortunately he couldn’t see my finger. They need to make some of those #1 fingers like they do for sports games except let’s change the finger. This guy was definitely #1 in my book.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Zip It!

Standard

zip it   I’m not a fan of unsolicited advice. If I want your opinion, I will ask for it. Otherwise, zip it. Maybe you are trying to be helpful, maybe you are just a jerk. Either way, I can do without it. People will tell you how to do anything from potty training to improving your sex life. I think one of the worst things we do as a society is freak the hell out of expecting mothers. They get told horror stories about the pain of labor and how it took 3 days for that baby to finally come out. We tell them how they will never sleep again, go on a date, have sex or ever get back to their pre-pregnancy weight. Now while all of these things may be true (except for the 3 day birth, I hope), they just don’t need to be said. Why spoil the illusion of eternal bliss before it’s time?

Speaking of things that don’t need to be said, us large people know that we are large. Thank you so much for noticing though. I actually got mooed at by a group of High School boys. I was thinking “Hey, I have my big coat on and these are the pants that make my butt look big” (it was laundry day). But, I just laughed and went on my way. I’d rather be a happy cow than an unhappy fashion model. Ok, not really but you have to play the cards you were dealt. Plus, I can’t resist cheesecake, or chocolate, or fries, or mashed potatoes…

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Hooked On Phonics

Standard

memo   Are people unable to read nowadays? Is that a skill we have lost? You are reading this so at least a few people must still be literate but I think the number is dwindling. Maybe people just don’t care or are just plain lazy. Don’t you find it annoying that you have to answer the same question 200 times because a person just can’t read the answer? I actually sent an office email one time to get some repairs done in one of the buildings I was managing. The email was forwarded several times with many people passing the buck. Eventually, I actually received my own email back with the Subject: FYI Please Report This Information to the Appropriate Department. I wanted to scream: I SENT THIS EMAIL!! So, I repeated the whole process again (accompanied by a severe attitude problem). The same sort of thing happens on Facebook. I write a post for a page I manage and include all the information I think the fans might be interested in. They just look at the pictures ignoring the words and then ask questions in the comments that have all been answered already. Forget a pinned post. Nobody pays any attention to those either. I want to yell at people but how can I?? I would have to type the post and they would never READ it anyway.  We live in a world where things need to be big, flashy and take no more than 10 seconds as that is the average attention span. Ok, the average attention span of an adult is actually 5 minutes but considering that ten years ago that number was 12 minutes, it gives you something to think about (if you have 5 minutes to spare). I love progress.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

The Constant Countdown

Standard

how many   I saw a vibrant little photo today alerting me to the fact that spring is in 58 days. Ok. So? Before that it was the countdown until the big fat man came down the chimney. Before that it was “2 weeks until everything is pumpkin flavored!” I have also been seeing posts lately picking on poor Old Man Winter and begging for summer to come. It has been here before! Did you miss it then? No. Remember, it was those few months when you bitched and bitched about how hot it was, you were tired of boob sweat and couldn’t wait for the temperatures to cool down. Now you want it back again? Why do we spend our whole lives wishing it was another day or time instead of living for right now? We always want what we can’t have. I used to think that I would be happier in life if I were just skinnier, richer, prettier, smarter or a million other scenarios. Actually, the verdict is still out on that since I haven’t actually become any of those things yet. I have however started working out. And by working out I mean pulling myself up off the couch to change the tv because I can’t find the remote. Next week I might even look for that remote. Couch cushions are heavy though and I don’t want to pull a muscle. Maybe I will just watch less tv and play more games online. Don’t say I don’t have goals…

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Somebody Love Me

Standard

fb love   As most of you know, certain Facebook posts really drive me crazy. I can tolerate someone’s pet in a sweater, the latest “here’s what I’m eating”, babies sleeping, babies eating, babies crying, babies pooping and even the occasional rant about a spouse (I am actually really entertained by those). But, those Facebook prompts asking people to respond have to stop. Remember those cartoons where the person has an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other? I think my devil side kicks in when I read these posts and I want to respond accordingly. Here are some that I may start responding to and probably get unfriended for!

Facebook Prompt #1

DESCRIBE ME USING ONLY ONE WORD

Don’t you ever just want to? I know what they are searching for; words like loving, beautiful, intelligent, caring. But I want to say what we are all thinking: CREEPY, NEEDY, STRANGE, DESPERATE and so on…

Facebook Prompt #2

NAME ONE SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF ME

In this case I suppose people are looking for songs that will make them feel good about themselves. They want to know people think they are attractive, fun, wild, or a rockstar. I never ask this question because obviously I have one of those stupid song names and so I would get nothing but Jolene. How original. But, what if we answered this honestly? What song reminds me of you, let’s see… SUPER FREAK, CRAZY BITCH, BABY GOT BACK, DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY.

Facebook Prompt #3

I NEED A HUG, LET’S SEE HOW MANY FRIENDS WILL STOP TO GIVE ME ONE

I wouldn’t even try to post this. It would produce that awkward moment where everyone reads the post but nobody actually gives a “hug” so now I look like a real tool. When I see this on someone else’s page I think well that’s kinda sad, I would give them a hug. But, this is Facebook! You aren’t getting a hug, you are getting a pity post. The end. Get a dog. They are much more loving than this social vice will ever be.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Wake Up and Smell The Coffee- #6

Standard

Are you able to put together some impossible craft because Pinterest told you to?? Me either…

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Wake Up and Smell The Coffee- #5

Standard

Morning all! How about that dislike button they are talking about for Facebook? What do I think? Oh, glad you asked…

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Wake Up and Smell The Coffee- #4

Standard

Good Morning! Ever notice the rage floating around the world these days?! Why is that?? Here is one theory…

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Momentarily Checking-Out

Standard

walmart hell  You know those moments we experience when we completely lose it for a few minutes? I prefer to have mine in a public place for all to see. No sense going into a rage unless all can enjoy it. I like to look like an ass in the middle of Wal-Mart. There is just something about that place that grabs onto all of your sensibilities and throws them out the window. Here is one of my latest rants…

So there I was at Wal-Mart, a half an hour behind. One kid was begging me for Monster High Dolls (don’t even get me started) and the other one has a fresh load in her diaper. It is hot, they are both crabby and their mother hasn’t had a full night’s rest in at least two years. Between the family reunions in the aisles and the lack of stocked shelves, I was getting more irritable by the minute. Hordes of people were everywhere getting ripped off by the latest “Back to School” specials. I am driving one of those massive carts with the seats for the kids to sit in just so I can keep them quiet and corralled for 10 minutes while I get a few necessary items. Needless to say, that piece of crap cart DOES NOT STEER well and forget about turning around or making any quick stops.

I finally complete my shopping minus the items I can’t find and have stopped searching for. Now, I am flying down the aisle trying to beat the other stooges to the checkout line. Suddenly, The Wal-Mart Wax Man is headed in my direction. You know him. He’s that guy on the huge machine attempting to shine a floor that’s dirtier than a toilet seat. He has nowhere to be and all day to get there. He is headed right towards me. One side of him is loaded with shoppers so I go for his other side that appears to be uncluttered. Right as I go to make my move, he sternly tells me “It would be better for me if you would go on the other side!” I immediately blurt out (loudly), “It would be better for me if you would get the hell out of my way!” I know. Ok, I’m sorry for the rudeness. But, why are you waxing the floor at the busiest location of the store, at one of the busiest times of the year and at the busiest time of the day?!? After I yelled at him he said “Oh, I am sorry ma’am.” Then, I really felt like shit. Other customers were also starting to stare but I think that was mainly because I had slammed my big ass cart into the jewelry case and stuff was rattling around. Hey, I told you that thing wouldn’t steer.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

 

Stick It!

Standard

selfie 3Selfies Suck! Most of you know my feelings on the selfies. One on occasion is tolerable. However, they have gotten completely out of control and I despise them. Look at me, I’m at The Empire State Building, Look at me, I’m eating dinner at Pizza Hut, Look at me, I’m 2 and figured out how to use mom’s phone, Look at me, I drink beer. We see you, yes, we like you but put your mug away already. Can’t you ask someone else to take the photo for you (when a photo is actually warranted)? Don’t you have a friend that might be included so we don’t think you just travel around solo looking for the best shots to make yourself a star? I am convinced now that no friends are needed because of this great invention called the selfie stick (for when an arm just won’t do).

Yes, it is a stick that holds your phone for you so you can take quote: “better selfies”. There is NO such thing. You can’t improve on something that already stinks beyond salvation. Whether it is your arm or a metal rod, it is still a selfie and you look like an idiot. Now, these fools are ruining my photo ops too (non-selfies of course)! Any type of public attraction will now have masses of people standing in front of it busting out the selfie sticks. So, every picture a normal person tries to capture will be destroyed by the metal arm of a selfie stick. I guess becoming a “Selfie Expert” is a sought after achievement but for me, it is just easier to say “Hey, would you mind taking our picture?” Now all I get to say is “Hey, can you move your robotic arm out of my way??” A camera on a stick. I’d rather have a corndog on mine…

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.