Extra, Extra! Read all about it!

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newspaper   It’s hard to read all about it when your newspaper carrier only brings the paper by on a rare occasion. I know, get with the times and read your news online! I do that too. Ok, only Facebook really. So, whatever makes the headlines there is my education for the day. I may not know what is happening in the world but I can tell you the latest Kanye drama. But still, I like getting the paper (mainly for the funnies and the occasional crossword). I have paid for a subscription. What seems to be the problem?? Today I called the newspaper office for the hundredth time and I was in fact told what the problems are.

  1. It is my fault that I live on a route where few others receive a newspaper so it’s possible to get skipped due to my unacceptable location. (I live on a college campus so you figure that one out).
  2. It is also my fault that I live in an apartment building because in the dark it is hard to see the numbers. (We live on a main street right next to some very large street lights).
  3. I should not be angry I didn’t receive my paper. (This is at least the 40th time this has happened so I may have been a wee bit irritated).
  4. My missed paper cannot be re-delivered. (No explanation why).
  5. If I am lucky, I may receive a paper tomorrow but if not, I am welcome to call the office. (Sure, because that worked wonders this time).
  6. I will not be receiving any credit on my account because “These things happen”. (Of course they do but this is ignorance in excess and I am tired of paying for a paper I can’t read).
  7. If I need further assistance, I can call and talk to Lisa. (I ask, “Are you Lisa?” She said “No.”)

So there you have it, everything explained in black and white…

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Making Headlines

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police Sometimes when you need a good laugh, you don’t need to look any further than your local newspaper. The police reports can be quite entertaining. At least in our small town anyway. Obviously citizens and police alike must be pretty bored. I guess that’s not a bad thing. The humor comes from a few different groups of people:


    The Drunks

– An intoxicated woman said she twisted her ankle when she fell after a man bumped into her on Main Street.
– Police received a report of a vehicle with it’s alarm going off at 4:55am. Officers found an intoxicated woman in the passenger seat and an intoxicated man on the side of the car surrounded by vomit. They were given a ride to a friend’s house.
– A man and woman who were both intoxicated were sitting on a bench at the library at 10:06am. The caller who reported them said they weren’t causing a problem, just drinking beer and greeting people. They were warned.

    The Paranoid

– A woman reported a growing concern about a downstairs neighbor who plays loud music all hours of the night and has acted aggressively toward another neighbor.
– A caller thought a neighbor possibly had an illegal muffler on his jeep. The caller said when the neighbor starts it up and revs the engine, the caller can hear it from a few blocks away.
– A tenant in a Main Street Building reported he thought that a vacuum was stolen from the building’s closet. He was unsure, however and said he would report it if he found out the vacuum had in fact been stolen.

    The Stupid

– A man and woman were warned for arguing in a parking lot about who was going to drive across the street to McDonald’s.
– Two men were warned for driving through a field that they didn’t own.
– A caller reported that her son was walking in the rocks at McDonald’s and tripped on a hose that was hidden in the rocks.
-Someone threw Burger King barbecue sauce at a person’s Leep Lane door. The person thought past renters might have been the culprits.

    Just Plain WTF?

– A woman wanted to talk to an officer about an incident the previous night where the man she was dancing with was spinning her around too roughly and broke her finger.
– A woman reported that she was missing a homemade llama ornament that was taken out of her mailbox at Christmas time.
– Several people entered an apartment uninvited, sprayed baby powder in the room and urinated on the floor.
– An officer spoke with a man who was wearing a cape and hood and carrying a fake ax. The man said he was just doing it to see what kind of attention he would get.

Police Reports courtesy of The Bozeman Daily Chronicle

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Special Delivery

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     newsYesterday, I received a letter in the mail from the local newspaper. They informed me that “As a valued customer, it was now time to make a payment.” Really? As a valued customer, could I actually receive a newspaper? Why is this complex? Isn’t this the job of an 11 year old boy?

Every morning as I sneak out in my jammies, two options lie ahead. Either I start the search and can find no paper anywhere. Or, I do locate the paper but I have to dig it out of a snowbank. Now it is soaked and I can’t read it anyway. When I call the newspaper to complain, they offer me the option of receiving a copy of today’s paper, tomorrow. How does that help? I reluctantly agree and the following morning, the search begins. As I give the neighbors plumber’s crack, I look everywhere and surprise, I haven’t received either paper.

On the rare mornings that a paper does get delivered, they have driven right up on the sidewalk to get it here even though we are half a block in. I guess I should just stop complaining and face the reality that even if the paper arrived daily, I would rarely read it. Doesn’t everyone get their news online these days anyway? So let’s see, what celebrity death hoax made the headlines this week?