Trick or Treat?!

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nov-1  This Halloween turned out to be “trick-less” for me and I’m not kidding. What the heck is wrong with kids these days?! First, they show up at my door and pound continuously until I answer. Give me a break, children. I’m coming! I’m just old and have to roll off the couch to get there. So then, I answer and the kid just stares at me. I stare back. There is an awkward silence until I relent and deposit a Kit-Kat into his bucket. He stares at me once again and then cuts across the lawn to the next place. This happened with nearly every goblin who graced our house this year. I think the words you are searching for are “Trick or Treat”! At the very least, give me a “thank you” upon your departure. Hell, at this point I would even take a smile. Rude!! I can excuse the younger ones but the older kids should know better. I really felt a great urge to start beaming them in the forehead with their fun size treats. This morning I was blessed with the added joy of cleaning up candy wrappers from all over the yard. That’s it. Next year I’m going to be one of those moms who hands out dental floss. There’s a fun size treat for ya- plaque on a string.

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Who Let The Kids Out?

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bad children    People stare at me funny when I discipline my child out in public. Well, if it isn’t ok to act that way at home, why would it be alright at the grocery store?? It isn’t an alternate universe that’s filled with puppy dogs and rainbows where nothing goes wrong. It is life and I am still a mom and she is still a toddler. There are bound to be problems now and then. Let’s face it, we all hate those people who won’t leave the movie theater even though their kid is throwing a fit in the front row. Then there are those who feel the need to take their children out to a nice restaurant and it becomes not so nice when the munchkin is throwing food all over, breaking glasses and yelling for ice cream. I LOVE kids on airplanes that kick my seat constantly for the entire flight. But, in all of these cases, it isn’t really the kids we should blame. It is the parents who allow their kids to act like complete trolls while they just smile like idiots. I won’t do that. It isn’t like I am hauling off and beating my child. But, I will put the smack down when necessary. You’re Welcome.

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Troubling Toys

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good guy  The holidays have passed, the gifts have all been torn open and the mound of toys has spread all through the house. What toys drive you nuts? All parents have experienced the piercing pain of a Lego to the bottom of the foot in the middle of the night. How about the stickers you discover on the windows or the pretty picture with crayons drawn on the bedroom wall? I have always hated markers, Playdoh, silly putty and those creepy dolls with the eyes that open and close. Then, there are all of those wonderful play things that make noise. LOTS of noise. These are the toys your parents love to give you as a payback for all of the headaches you caused them. I am sure they laugh like hell when they are wrapping up that keyboard or firetruck. Has your child ever received a drum set? Mine has. Let me tell you, that migraine will last you until next Christmas.

What’s up with the dolls that you have to feed and then it soils itself? It cries constantly too. Don’t we already have one of those around the house? It’s called your baby sister. Do I really need another thing I have to buy food and diapers for and figure out why it is howling? I told my daughter to stop feeding hers after I found out the diapers for the thing cost almost $2 each! I don’t like toys that talk either. It never fails that I am sneaking out of a dark bedroom trying not to wake up the kid I just got to sleep and I will step on that creature. It starts talking, I jump back startled, knock over something else and then the kid is awake again. I swear those talking toys are out to get me. They scare the shit out of me constantly. I don’t need things talking to me that aren’t alive. It just reminds me of Chucky. Chucky got thrown into the fireplace at the end of the movie. That is where these things are headed too…

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Phone Home

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kid phones    Why are 7 year olds running around with iPhones? I know I need to get on board with modern parenting but this I will just not understand. When I was 7, I think I still had the phone you pull on a string with the eyes that go back and forth. An iPhone just seems like a fairly expensive toy to me. I know parents claim that it is for the safety of the child but you realize you just opened up a portal to hell right (otherwise known as the internet)?! I just don’t think kids that young are prepared to surf, post videos to youtube and access who knows what at their fingertips. I suppose kids will see this stuff somewhere else anyway but I don’t want to give them any help. There are so many freaks out there, a direct line to my child is not a good idea. I know we can’t shelter our kids from everything but I would like to keep them as children for at least a little while. We did ok simply by telling our parents where we were going, when we would be back and who we would be with. The basics. If they need to give us a call, I am sure 100 phones are within reach of any place you turn. I don’t care what all of the other kids have, I don’t care that I’m mean. I am MOM.

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SHHH I’m Shopping

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shhh    Well, I survived another enchanting trip to Wal-Mart today. It was pretty mellow until some kid started hollering in the frozen food aisle. In all fairness, his mother took care of it promptly. But as she is wheeling him off in the cart, I hear this young couple say “Man, why can’t some people just leave their kids at home?” Now I can appreciate that some people don’t want children of their own and don’t want to tolerate other people’s. I feel that way often. But this is grocery shopping. What would you have us do, leave the kid in the car or home alone? I think it is understood that Wal-Mart is a “family” place and yes, people will bring their kids along. I didn’t know it was taboo to do so. Fortunately my little angel was fairly well behaved today and the only thing she did was whip her bottle at a lady in produce. I can play that off as an “accident”. But, it isn’t the club, a fancy restaurant, the movies or the opera. It’s Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart = Crying Brats. The end.

Now, is there some special training that Wal-Mart employees receive regarding the bagging process? Is there a reason they all put 20 cans in one very thin bag just waiting to explode? Does it come out of their hide if they separate the cans into two bags or worse yet, double bag something? So there I was in the parking lot with my fragile bag FULL of canned goods when the bottom ripped out, two cans hit my foot and the diced tomatoes went rogue and rolled under a truck. I practically got hit by a car chasing them, got down on my knees in the snow to reach the can and still couldn’t get them. I said screw it. Nobody needs tomatoes that bad.

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Wake Up and Smell The Coffee- #7

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Did the thought of the big bad wolf coming to eat you give you the chills?? It should! Life is full of scary stuff…

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The Real Reason Kids Aren’t Getting Immunized

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shotIt’s the beginning of the month and as I was writing out my calendar, I realized that my daughter is 18 months old now and needs some shots. So, I called the Doctor’s office to make an appointment for her. It DID NOT go well. Check out this conversation (after waiting on hold for 15 minutes listening to a message telling me how important my call was to them):

Receptionist: very rude tone– “This is Pat, what do you need?”

Me: friendly tone “Hello, I was hoping to make an appointment for my daughter. She just turned 18 months old and needs some immunizations. Her Dr. is ______.”

Receptionist: still rudely “Well, how old is she?!”

Me: “18 months.”

Receptionist: “Who is her doctor?”

I tell her.

Receptionist: “She needs a wellness checkup in order to get her shots!”

Me: “Ok.”

Receptionist: “We don’t have any appointments until the end of August.”

Me: “I see. Would I be able to bring her in just for the shots and then schedule a wellness checkup for August?”

Receptionist: “No, we can’t give her shots without the wellness checkup.”

Me: “Alright, I guess give us the first appointment in August then.”

Receptionist: “I can schedule her but you will need to bring her in for her shots.”

Me: “When?”

Receptionist: “Now if she has turned 18 months.”

Me: “I thought she couldn’t get the shots without the appointment?”

Receptionist: “Right.”

Me: “Do you have an earlier appointment?”

Receptionist: “The first appointment I have is in August.”

Me: Dumbfounded look on face “Maybe you could just have the nurse call me.”

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Who’ll Stop The Rain?

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field dayWell, as the end of the school year is approaching for the grade school children, so is the ridiculousness. Wasted days of games, parties and trips of all kinds. Wouldn’t it be a smarter idea to load all of that “fun” stuff into a day or two so then we could just be done with school already? Then, I could get a break from pulling my hair out each morning to get the kid on the bus in time. If it is a Saturday morning, she is up at 7 or 8 am demanding breakfast. If it is a Monday morning, she is dead to the world and has one speed: SUPER SLOW. Now, we are getting down to the last few days and it’s a good thing too. People keep pissing me off and I am not afraid to tell them about it. Here’s the latest:

Last week there was a Field Day planned for my daughter’s class and a couple of other classes as well. They go to a local park and do all kinds of activities. That’s all fine and dandy and it is normally a good time but this year proved to be a different story. I usually make an appearance at this event and cheer my daughter on. This year, I was out at the store and when I got back to the car, it was pouring down rain. So, like a logical person, I assumed the whole thing must have been cancelled and I just went home. A couple of hours later, my daughter arrived home and was just about in tears. She was absolutely SOAKED! Her hair was dripping, her clothes were drenched, even down to her underwear. She was shivering and so upset! I asked her, “What happened?” She proceeded to tell me how they were forced to continue on with field day in the rain and when they questioned it, they were told to “power through”. The teachers were standing there with umbrellas as the kids slipped and fell in the mud and begged to go back to the school. What the hell was the point of that? Even a chicken has enough sense to come in out of the rain (Ok, maybe not but an adult should). My daughter had a chill and running nose for 2 days. I ended up keeping her home from school the next day and left quite a message regarding why. I told them if they had any problems with that, by all means give me a call. I received no call.

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The Loaded Diaper

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loaded diaper     It’s a busy evening at your local restaurant. The tables are all full, you have just sat down, finished ordering your food and are enjoying your beverages. It seems like a nice evening out with your family. Then, it hits. POOP time. My daughter hates to take a poop and makes a big production out it. First, she puts on the beet red tomato face. Next comes the grunting as she starts to squeeze it out and finally, she screams bloody murder to finish the production. It’s scarier than a scene from The Exorcist. There is nothing that quiets her down until the deed is done. Many faces have stared at me in disbelief or disgust as I have rushed off to the women’s restroom for the dreaded diaper change. Forget the fact that the whole place thinks my daughter is demon spawn, here’s my dilemma. What is the proper etiquette when it comes to a loaded diaper? We are talking toxic waste here. I always feel bad tossing it into the garbage can to stink up the place but what else are you going to do with it? Drop it in your purse for later? After we have run everyone off with the stench, I sheepishly enter the world again. Should I tell someone about the stink bomb we just left so they can take that garbage out? Or, do I just run and try to forget yet another traumatic poop event? Maybe they could start putting some of those disposable bags in the restrooms so I could wrap it up before I toss it. You know, like they have at the dog park? Yikes. The next time my daughter smells food, she is at it again. I guess the smart and polite thing to do would be to keep my ass home until she is potty trained. Then, at least we can flush at the end of the production.

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Potty Mouth (Other Than Mine)

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toilet     It’s not a matter of IF your kids are going to embarrass you, it’s just a question of when, where and to what extent. Today, my daughter got me pretty good. I had to get some grocery shopping done so I loaded her in the cart and she smiled happily and waved to people as we went by. She looks very sweet and innocent. She is learning all kinds of new words. Today, she decided to practice some of that knowledge. As we are going through the store, she starts yelling “Cock, Cock!”. I am not sure what she was trying to say but that was what was coming out. I know my face was all kinds of red. I tried to shhhh her which only made her yell louder. It didn’t help that we were going by the sporting goods section and needless to say, there was lots of “cock” around. One pervert got a grin on his face and asked me “What exactly are you shopping for today?” I answered with “If I find it, I’ll let you know.” I quickly made my way to the food section and proceeded on with my shopping. My daughter was still yelling but it had dimmed down and was G rated. Oh the fun of shopping with a small child. She likes to throw items at random people too. If you see us in the store, take cover.

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