Ears On The Road

Standard

earbuds   What’s with all of these idiots driving around with ear buds in? Seems much worse (or at least the same) as texting or talking on the phone. I don’t think the phone is the problem, I think it is the conversation. If you are in a monster fight with your boyfriend, your state of mind might not be the best for maneuvering turns or parallel parking. Music is my vice. I am always fumbling around with the iPod finding my sick beats and paying less attention than I should to the road. I have seen people apply makeup while driving and even reading a book. Don’t you just love those people who are eating while driving?! It’s never like a banana or an apple either. It is a Big Mac Meal dripping all over the place. The guy with the ear buds today was enjoying a juicy burger WHILE he rocked his ear buds. Both things must have been enjoyable as he was perfectly content to sit at a red light for not one but two cycles. Blasting on the horn doesn’t help and unfortunately he couldn’t see my finger. They need to make some of those #1 fingers like they do for sports games except let’s change the finger. This guy was definitely #1 in my book.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Park It!

Standard

parking     All you have to do is watch the interactions that take place in any parking lot to realize we haven’t evolved as far as we think we have. Those caveman tendencies come out in full force when there is only one parking spot left and three drivers want it. People will do anything to acquire that space. Often, we are running late and want to get to our destination quickly. But, we don’t even consider the fact that after we spend 15 more minutes driving around in circles and cutting off other drivers, we could have just walked to where we wanted in less time. It does kind of bring a rush though to pull into that spot 2 seconds quicker than that other guy. Then, we kind of do a head twirl as if to say “Ha, got ya!” and now we are strutting to where we need to go. How about that moment when you see a spot and start to pull in with a devious grin. Then…you find one of those tiny pieces of shit parked there that gave the illusion that the spot was free. We get really pissed and wonder why this guy can’t get a real car already. I love the people who can’t seem to read. They sit in a spot for an hour that is marked 10 minutes only. But again, I am dumb enough to keep driving around the block to see if they have left yet so I can have the primo spot and cussing them every time I circle. I live in a place where we are each assigned a parking spot in the lot. There are signs posted at each space. You think that would be a good thing, always a good spot to park in! But, I still have to pay a ridiculous fee just to park in my own spot. Something about that just isn’t right.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

We’re An American Band

Standard

singer    Some people like to sing in the shower. I prefer to sing in the car. I sound awesome and the trip to wherever I am headed is a much happier one (it curbs my road rage). But, what do you do when someone catches you singing? Not a damn thing! What do I have to be embarrassed about? I am rockin’ it. It isn’t like I got caught picking my nose or something. I just keep right on singing. Today I was caught singing almost an entire chorus (air guitar and drums included). I was unaware that a car full of teenagers was stopped next to me at the light. They were kind enough to clap and cheer for me before speeding off. See, I am good. I should start charging for my show on the road. It is becoming a family band as my youngest daughter had busted out some moves too. My oldest daughter will also join in but only if it is Taylor Swift or One Direction (yes, I am still working on her). Keep an eye out for us, we are the next big thing rolling through your town.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Car Talk

Standard

bumper stickers     Do you ever find yourself judging people by the bumper stickers on their car? First of all, I can’t stand bumper stickers. It’s like a toddler putting stickers all over the wall. In my opinion, it is just wrong and trashy. But, people can (and will) do whatever they want. It does lead to me sitting behind a person with a bumper sticker that reads “I brake for turtles” and thinking Wow, this person needs help. If car owners must express their political opinions, that’s fine too. However, it is a STICKER. So, we will be looking at it for the next 20 years. A lot of things seemed like a good idea…at the time. How about the obvious bumper stickers? I saw one that read “My dog is my co-pilot”. Oh good, I saw that furry head sticking out of the window with the long tongue hanging down and mistook it to be your husband. Thanks for clearing that up.

What about the little plastic signs people hang up in the car? My favorite is “Baby on Board”. As if I would have just slammed into you before but now that I know you have a baby, I won’t be a raving lunatic. I have seen some that say “Baby MADE on Board”. At least that is funny.

Final rant of the day; personalized plates. If a typical person won’t be able to figure it out, what’s the point? You just wasted a pile of cash. And, if we CAN figure it out and it is lame, same thing. Nobody really cares if you are TOMS GAL. The way you’re driving, it just makes me feel bad for Tom. Oh wait, that’s not Tom, it’s your dog.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

How A Woman Parks A Car

Standard

parallel parking A woman could be driving a Geo Metro. But, when it comes time to parallel park, it will turn into an 18 wheeler. There is just something in a woman’s biological makeup that makes it impossible to parallel park a car. We will continue to try though for one of two reasons: A) To shut the man up who keeps making fun of us for being unable to complete this “simple” task or B) To get a spot right in front of the club so we don’t ruin those cute little boots we just bought. So, we will try again for the 100th time knowing full well it is NEVER going to happen. It goes something like this:

1. We see the spot we want but still drive around the block 4 or 5 times to determine if we can fit into it.
2. We decide to go for it and pull forward, start to reverse into the spot and hit the curb with our back wheels. We have to pull forward and try again. Repeat 4 more times.
3. At this point, we start to panic and try any move we can to get the car into the spot. We inevitably tap the car in front or back of us. We check to see if anyone is watching.
4. We try one more time just to confirm we have failed. Then, we get pissed, cuss out the other drivers for parking incorrectly (it couldn’t be our fault) and abandon the mission.
5. We end up parking 6 blocks away, we’re 20 minutes late and these stupid new boots are killing me feet…

I need a chauffeur.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Race To The Finish Line

Standard

crazy driver There seems to be two kinds of drivers who insist on cutting you off and pulling out right in front of you. The first kind of driver will put the pedal to the metal like they are starting out in the Indy 500. They fly in front of you to the point where you are forced to slam on your brakes. You’re thinking they must really have someplace they need to be. Nope. Once they get into position right in front of you, they slow down to a crawl. If you aren’t going to move, why couldn’t you wait for me to pass??

The second kind of driver will also cut you off but is too dumb to realize that there is no place to go. So, they keep switching lanes, veering in and out of traffic, pissing everybody off and eventually ending up at the same red light right along with the rest of us. It’s like that driving scene from Meet The Parents. Do they now feel better that they are 12 feet ahead of me? You win pal. What a victory.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Parking Pleasures

Standard

shopping cart     Not only do people suck at driving, they don’t know how the hell to park either! I can’t stand those huge, ugly vehicles taking up two spots with their beastliness. Or, the tiny sports cars taking up two spots because the owner doesn’t want their precious baby getting scratched. It just makes me want to get out my keys. If your vehicle is so important to you, park it in the back of the lot and walk. Oh and also, you need to get out more. It is just a car dude.

Another annoyance is when I think I have finally found a good spot, go to pull in and some moron has left their cart right in the middle of it making it impossible for me to park there. Thanks a lot, jerk! How about those stalkers who are just lurking waiting for someone to pull out? They see me walking to the car and whip around to wait for my spot. Now, I am totally pressured to get my groceries loaded and get out while they watch in disgust. Want this to go faster? Get out and help me. Otherwise, you can wait until I am good and ready. And, here’s my cart.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.