Game Face

Standard

bball   I am having a bad insurance day. And by that I mean I would like to rip somebody’s head off at one of these companies. What exactly is the point of having insurance when they cover nothing?? Because the law says so? Oooh, I am super scared now. The law should then also ensure that these insurance companies cover needed procedures as well. I am tired of hearing things were a “preexisting condition” or some other crap they made up. My daughter fell down at basketball practice and knocked her front teeth out of place. Blood all over and she was in a lot of pain. Silly me, I took her to the dentist who put them back where they belonged. Took about 45 minutes. But, since it was on a Saturday it suddenly was not medically necessary. When a person’s teeth are out of place, I DO think it is necessary to fix that, Saturday or not. My daughter is “covered” by two different insurance companies yet neither of them will pay a dime. Now my daughter can never go to the dentist until I figure out how I can get this bill paid. Guess I have to roll her in bubble wrap or something…

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Deep Thoughts

Standard

whale   Is anyone out there familiar with a whale tail? They are popping up all over the place EXCEPT the ocean. The whale tail is that beautiful moment when a girl bends over and the thong is hanging out of the jeans (along with some ass). Like plumber’s crack wasn’t enough ass for the world? Now we need this too? Whale tails dominate Wal-Mart, dance clubs and college campuses everywhere. Young men aren’t dressed much better with the pants down to their knees and all but, at least we are staring at their underwear and not the full moon. I have two questions for the girls sporting this look. 1. Why on Earth would you want to wear a thong? You felt the need to floss your butt crack today? And 2. Why don’t you get some pants that fit or invest in this great thing they call a belt?? I can’t imagine that this look is comfortable and I certainly don’t find it attractive. If you are dressed like that and a man does approach you, I would be wary. He may have few teeth and a strong attraction to goats. Have some respect ladies, you are better than that and, you live on land!

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Candy vs. Teeth

Standard

candy   Have you noticed that the stores already have Easter candy out?? I don’t even know when Easter is this year but I do know that I love Easter candy so I am ok with it. I get through the year on holiday candy. You know, all the good stuff. In January we are still munching on candy canes and chocolate treats from Christmas. Then, we get to move on to conversation hearts. Next, it is off to Easter and those scrumptious Cadbury Eggs. The summer does bring on a bit of a dry spell. But, we can power our way through with popsicles and drumsticks. We move on to candy corn and then back to the Christmas treats. It is now becoming clear why I gain 5 pounds each year (alright, 10) and have nothing to wear for the holidays. But, I am pleasantly plump. Ok, just plump. This year however I have discovered why they can get that holiday candy out so early and so quickly. IT IS THE SAME CANDY FROM LAST YEAR! Or maybe even a year or two before. It is brick hard and I am busting my darn teeth on this crap. Isn’t my potential diabetes enough of a risk? Now I have to take the chance of losing a tooth just to enjoy a sugary treat. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll take that chance. But, it would be nicer if retailers could just get us some fresh candy!! Or, charge me the price the candy was three years ago when it was new. If I lose a tooth, I will just shove a white chiclet in there or something…

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Beauty And The Beast

Standard

lipstick   I don’t have a lot of time for primping anymore. I suppose I COULD make time but the truth is, I really don’t care. And I am fully aware that no matter how much war paint I apply, the old lady troll will still shine through. I used to spend hours putting myself together and trying to look my absolute best (for what, I’m not sure). The clothes, the makeup, the hair all had to be perfect. Now my main goal is to tame the Bert unibrow and make sure my beard isn’t growing in. When I get dressed, my only concern is that I can fit into whatever dreaded frock I have in the closet. I do the bare minimum to get by and some days, I can hardly mange that. I realize that there are people out there who DO still care what they look like and I think that’s great. But, don’t look down on me because I have given up hope. Why is it that whenever I have to deal with people (which I hate to do already) it is one of these perky little perfect Barbie doll types? Yes, I see you looking down on me. No, it doesn’t make me instantly want to run out and get a makeover. All I am really thinking is wow, this little bitch must have a lot more time on her hands than I do (and boobs still in the right place). I see you and yes you are pretty (on the outside anyway) but I have other things to worry about in life. So, don’t judge me for not having any lipstick on and I won’t judge you for wearing yours on your teeth.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Zip It!

Standard

zip it   I’m not a fan of unsolicited advice. If I want your opinion, I will ask for it. Otherwise, zip it. Maybe you are trying to be helpful, maybe you are just a jerk. Either way, I can do without it. People will tell you how to do anything from potty training to improving your sex life. I think one of the worst things we do as a society is freak the hell out of expecting mothers. They get told horror stories about the pain of labor and how it took 3 days for that baby to finally come out. We tell them how they will never sleep again, go on a date, have sex or ever get back to their pre-pregnancy weight. Now while all of these things may be true (except for the 3 day birth, I hope), they just don’t need to be said. Why spoil the illusion of eternal bliss before it’s time?

Speaking of things that don’t need to be said, us large people know that we are large. Thank you so much for noticing though. I actually got mooed at by a group of High School boys. I was thinking “Hey, I have my big coat on and these are the pants that make my butt look big” (it was laundry day). But, I just laughed and went on my way. I’d rather be a happy cow than an unhappy fashion model. Ok, not really but you have to play the cards you were dealt. Plus, I can’t resist cheesecake, or chocolate, or fries, or mashed potatoes…

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Early Bird Special

Standard

Early-Bird   Another day, another horrific shopping experience at Wal-Mart. This time I didn’t even have to be in the store for the crap to start. It happened the moment I turned into the parking lot. Why are people such raging lunatics when it comes to a parking space? It feels like high noon and the showdown has begun. I saw a spot fairly close to the front so I go for it. A truck clear at the other end of the row floors it and pulls in right in front of me puffing diesel smoke in my face. Ok, plan b. I find a spot in the next row and head there. Someone is actually standing in the spot “saving it for a friend” (her own words). Since when were we allowed to save a parking spot for a friend?? I really just wanted to run the pretty little thing down but I still smiled and drove for another 15 minutes trying to find a parking space (Yes, I could have just taken a spot at the rear of the parking lot but that isn’t how I roll). I find a primo spot and make my move. Out of nowhere one of those tiny wannabe cars flies in front of me. I notice the sign says it is “Senior Parking Only” so I think ok, no big deal. I couldn’t have parked there anyway and this geezer needs it more than I do. But then some punk gets out, flicks his cigarette on the ground and briskly walks into the store. I am more of a senior than you are!! I have two kids, haven’t slept a full night in years, bags under my eyes, sagging boobs, fading memory and arthritis. So, if I see another youngster trying to steal my old lady spot I am kicking some butt (with my cane if necessary)!! I finally did find a parking spot and damn near got ran over by another lunatic. 30 mph is an unacceptable speed for the parking lot.  SLOW DOWN, there are seniors walking here.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

 

Texting Is GR8!

Standard

phone   Is anyone else as bad at texting as I am? It doesn’t help that it is the ONLY way to get a hold of me because I NEVER answer phone calls. Why? Well, I don’t care for people very much so I don’t want to spend countless hours (ok, it’s minutes but it feels like hours) making idle chit chat. I figure if they have to leave a message they will get to the point and fast. Text it. I will answer. Alright, probably not right away. If the volume on the phone is actually on (seldom), I will see the message. I read it and in my head I reply with the answer. The problem is, I don’t actually text the answer. Then, the kids are yelling because they tried to see if a stuffed animal could swim in the toilet, a ball went through a window or they need cheese-its now. I get distracted. I forget that I didn’t answer because in my head, I have already addressed it. I finally have one moment of clarity between dirty diapers and heaps of laundry. I think was that conversation over? Then I check the phone and realize I still need to answer and it is 3 to 6 hours later (and often late at night). I finally answer and people are irritated that I have ignored them for so long. I wasn’t ignoring you, I just didn’t exactly answer you out loud.

Sometimes I don’t understand the text messages I receive so I don’t know HOW to answer. I don’t respond to a bunch of letters and numbers all mixed together posing as words. I NEED the words. Then, there are those messages that you read and think Ok. But I ‘m not going to respond with just an Ok, that is rude. I assume that you understand that I think Ok or I would have answered back with a different response. Texting. Very young children excel at it everywhere. 40 year olds everywhere are flubbing it up.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Hooked On Phonics

Standard

memo   Are people unable to read nowadays? Is that a skill we have lost? You are reading this so at least a few people must still be literate but I think the number is dwindling. Maybe people just don’t care or are just plain lazy. Don’t you find it annoying that you have to answer the same question 200 times because a person just can’t read the answer? I actually sent an office email one time to get some repairs done in one of the buildings I was managing. The email was forwarded several times with many people passing the buck. Eventually, I actually received my own email back with the Subject: FYI Please Report This Information to the Appropriate Department. I wanted to scream: I SENT THIS EMAIL!! So, I repeated the whole process again (accompanied by a severe attitude problem). The same sort of thing happens on Facebook. I write a post for a page I manage and include all the information I think the fans might be interested in. They just look at the pictures ignoring the words and then ask questions in the comments that have all been answered already. Forget a pinned post. Nobody pays any attention to those either. I want to yell at people but how can I?? I would have to type the post and they would never READ it anyway.  We live in a world where things need to be big, flashy and take no more than 10 seconds as that is the average attention span. Ok, the average attention span of an adult is actually 5 minutes but considering that ten years ago that number was 12 minutes, it gives you something to think about (if you have 5 minutes to spare). I love progress.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Sales Pitch

Standard

Sold Buyer Seller Salesperson Customer Handshake  I know everyone has a job to do. Sometimes, their job is to annoy me by trying to sell me crap I don’t need. Even if I need it, I don’t want it. Alright, maybe I want it but I can’t afford it. So, the answer is NO. Even though I can’t buy a lot of things, I am fairly disappointed with the current level of salesmanship out there in the world. Today I was at our local mall and it seriously lacked any decent salespeople. The first man was very fancily dressed, hair about 2 feet high and sprayed. He smelled nice but he was a little too pretty for my tastes. Anyway, he is selling some kind of products for the face at one of those kiosks in the walkway of the mall. The first time I went by him I quickly stared down at the ground to avoid eye contact and I snuck by him. When I went by him again, he caught me. He looks me up and down and says “Are you looking for a beauty regimen?” I, not missing a beat quickly responded with “Do I LOOK like I need a beauty regimen?” He got all flustered and didn’t know what to say. He started muttering something about how he thought I was lovely already. Poor guy. But don’t try to sell me beauty products by telling me I am ugly.

The second salesperson was a woman that really had no clue. As we walk by she holds out some kind of card and says “Do you want it?” Want what, exactly? A business card? A coupon? A Starbucks punch card? I said no thank you and moved along. My husband later turned to me and asked if that woman just offered me her half-drank smoothie?? Step up your game people.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Between The Sheets

Standard

rooms   I am often amused at the advertising tactics companies use to make the sale. At one of our local motels there is a big sign out front in which they change the sayings every couple of weeks with a new enticing statement. This time they are boasting Luxurious Linens! That’s nice I suppose. I’m not really sure what constitutes luxurious linens (aren’t they still just industrial sheets?), but it sounds good. When I stay at a motel I am not so much concerned about the luxury of the sheets as I am the cleanliness of them. I think all of those tv shows inspecting the rooms with a blacklight have convinced us that sheets are always full of semen, urine, boogers, blood and God knows what else. That’s probably true most of the time but I would rather not think about that. As long as they look clean, they are good enough for me. Luxury is optional. How much do I have to pay for this extra “luxury’? The crazy thing is, I actually worked for this very same motel back in the early 1990s. Each of us housekeepers had an entire floor of rooms to clean and very little time to do it in. I towed the line and followed the rule book for the first week or so. I never got all of the rooms done no matter how fast I tried to work. And, I got my ass reamed for it. I learned to do what all of the other ladies did. If the bed looks clean, just make it. No need to change the sheets. I always felt guilty but it was the only way I could do the work expected of me. I always think of that now and every time I stay in a motel, I rip the sheets off all the way so this process won’t be an option. With that being said, unless this motel has changed their room to staff ratio, I doubt the sheets are luxurious. Oh, maybe they are a real nice cotton blend but I still don’t want to sleep on them after some big, hairy tourist just got sweat and drool all over them.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.