Starting Over

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unicorn     Do yourself a favor this year and don’t make a bunch of unreasonable New Year’s Resolutions. You are just setting yourself up for failure and you will feel even worse when you are still fat, still a smoker, still a drinker and so on. If you want to change something, you will. You don’t need a New Year for that. Start small and keep moving forward. If you must make a resolution, keep it to yourself. If you make a big declaration on Facebook, we can all throw it in your face when you fail miserably. Because let’s face it, misery likes company and we couldn’t stick to an exercise routine either. Even writing your list of resolutions can be pretty depressing. You are basically compiling a list of all the stuff you suck at and all the things you do that you shouldn’t. Instead, make a list of goals that might actually be fun. And, if you don’t achieve them, no big deal. My goals are: meet a leprechaun, ride a pink unicorn and win every damn game of “slug bug” that I play. Happy New Year!

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Selling Stupid

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consumers I wish I had enough sense to come up with a completely useless product that would make me millions of dollars. Putting googly eyes on a rock and calling it a “pet”. Why didn’t I think of that?? I guess maybe I was giving consumers too much credit. But, after seeing the snuggie craze where grown adults are wearing a blankie with sleeves, anything goes.

People will buy anything! Antenna balls? Not only did it look stupid, people were paying 5 bucks for those things. What about that damn singing fish? Annoying, redneck and could it possibly fit in with any décor? I know we all love our pets but what’s up with the complete wardrobe for our dog? He looks like an ass and you know all the other pooches are making fun of him. I could understand a sweater for one of those rat looking dogs who has no other means of keeping warm. But, the tutus, rhinestone collars, rain boots and leather jackets have to go. The last ridiculous thing I must mention are Nikes in a size 0-3 months for $50. Does baby really need a new pair of kicks? She doesn’t go anywhere. She can’t even walk. I just can’t justify it.

Maybe I have been going at this all wrong. My time has been spent making other people money when I should have been at home dreaming up the next piece of junk. It’s not too late…Keep your eyes open for great new products in 2015 that you just can’t live without! 😉

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Out of the Mouths of Babes

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embarrassedAs my daughter gets older, I now do things that “embarrass” her. I still want to hug her, kiss her and hold her hand when we walk somewhere. She wants to do things by herself and not be seen getting dropped off at the school by her mother. She rolls her eyes at my music, movies and corny jokes. I may be embarrassing but, let me tell you how this kid has embarrassed me over the years.

We used to live next door to some people who weren’t very clean to say the least. My daughter would play with their daughter outside but I wouldn’t let her go in their house. One day I was pushing my daughter on the swings and the other little girl and her mom joined us. When the little girl asked my daughter how come she never comes over to their house, my daughter announces loudly: “I think it’s because your house stinks like pee and is super messy.” We left the scene shortly after that.

Another time, we were at Wal-Mart with a full cart of groceries. After waiting in a long line, we finally got up to the cashier. The very nice man had some sort of purple and red blotches all over his face. My daughter asks loudly: “What’s wrong with his face?” As I explain we don’t ask that, she says “It’s gross!” and proceeds to hide behind me.

My personal favorite is an incident when we were at the mall getting some lunch after shopping. When I went to pick up the food, I gave her my purse to entertain her. In the two minutes I am gone, she whipped out two tampons and was using them as drumsticks on the table. People were laughing so hard, I joined in too but, I could have died.

I could go on and on with stories like these. So, even if I am embarrassing at times, I feel like I have earned it after some of the stunts she has pulled. I can’t wait until she starts dating. Happy Parenting!

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Crafty Creatures

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DIYDIY projects, yikes. For some time, I thought DIY was an acronym for some kind of cult. Turns out, it is. Who are the people that can successfully complete these projects? I can’t even make the gingerbread house from the kit bought at the store. After several failed attempts at pretty lamps, furniture, wreaths and centerpieces, I have learned my limitations.

I have always considered myself a pretty crafty person. So, when I see that beautiful picture in the magazine with a headline of “Make it Yourself”, I think, yes! Four hours later and at least $50 shorter, I am sadly disappointed. Now I realize I will actually save money and a lot of time and frustration if I just buy the item at the store. Sure, it’s not homemade or one of a kind, but, at least I still have my sanity.

Can’t they make a DIY project for dummies? I need step by step instructions written for a toddler and some ACTUAL pictures that were taken while making the item so I know if I am on track at all. And contributors, if your ass hasn’t tried making this project yourself, please don’t suggest it for us. We need easy and foolproof. If it isn’t, keep those articles in your snooty mags, Woman’s World is for us simple folk.

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Top 10 Things ALL Moms Do (but don’t admit it)

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frazzled mom1. Forget To Pick Up The Kid– Is it 3:30 already? Wasn’t I supposed to be somewhere? By the time you get to the school in a frenzied panic, your child is on the swings unaware of the catastrophe. On another note: Yes, we have all slept through the alarm clock and found it completely acceptable to just keep the kid home today. It’s less work and now we can sleep even longer!

2. Throw Away Drawings/Homemade Gifts– Yes, it’s precious when we receive the necklace made out of pasta and an “I Love You” card cut out of construction paper. But, as the pile gets larger and glue and glitter take over your dresser drawer, you just have to start downsizing.

3. Let Them Eat Junk– Some days the battle is just too much and we cave. Chicken nuggets, frozen pizza, some kind of rolled up rubber they are calling fruit? Anything goes. The vegetables will be there tomorrow.

4. Tell Little White Lies– “You played a great game!”, “That trumpet solo sounded good!”, “It’s time for bed!” (an hour before it actually is). My personal favorite: “It must be in your room somewhere!” (I threw that creepy doll away months ago).

5. Use TV As A Babysitter– Remember how you swore you’d NEVER do this? But then, the kid has been screaming for an hour, your head is about to explode and you haven’t seen a shower for 5 days. Elmo comes on and you finally have some relief, roll with it.

6. Slack On Baby Books/Scrapbooks– Baby books with cute little trinkets. Baby’s first tooth, a lock of hair, memories caught on film. Themed scrapbooks of holidays, sports and family vacations. We all had good intentions. Now the kid is 10 and the baby book is still blank and collecting dust. Let it go.

7. Skimping on Bath Time– It’s a process, and sometimes we just don’t have the time or energy. The bubbles, the toys, the mess. A spit shine or a once over with a baby wipe will do in a pinch.

8. Cuss/Lose Your Cool– Now and then a nasty word will just slip right out, especially when you step on a Lego in the middle of the night. And, we have all growled at our kids. Sometimes, for no reason other than we’re tired! Sometimes, they had it coming. It’s scary when you turn around expecting to see your mother standing there and realize the words came out of your mouth.

9. Diaper Rationing– You know how it goes, do a butt sniff and a quick squeeze of the diaper to see if it warrants changing. If it is only 1/2 full, we’ll let it ride for a while. Two hours later, we realize the kid is soaked. Great job, mom.

10. Skip Pages In The Book– After you have read Cinderella 200 times, you start to skimp. When they aren’t paying attention or start to nod off, we skip ahead. If this doesn’t work, you can always hide books too. Why can’t Dora the Explorer learn some English already?

If you do any of these 10 things, you are NOT the worst mom ever. You are human. Don’t beat yourself up, the kids will survive without any permanent damage! 🙂

 

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Montana Misconceptions

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MontanaYes, I live in Montana. No, I do not ride a horse nor am I a cowboy. A few of us actually have vehicles now and I am not talking about a tractor. No, I have never had a close encounter with a grizzly bear. I have only seen one the entire time I have lived here. There are more black bears and yes, they are dangerous so don’t feed them and don’t try to pet them. And, when you are trying to capture that Kodak nature moment, run when he starts coming after you.

I have never witnessed a shootout and Indians are not living in teepees. For the record, Indians have lived in houses just like us for some time and not just in Montana. I did not grow up in a cabin with my entire family (that would have caused a shootout). I did not attend a one room schoolhouse. Yes, we do enjoy clean air that we can breathe. Pretty amazing considering all we have are wooden sidewalks and dirt roads. We may live a simpler life than the “city folk” but we are not all married to our cousin with 5 kids that all have “Bob” for a middle name. Yes, we do have airports! Some of us have even left the state and ventured out into that big, scary world.

Montana, “Where is that?” If you don’t know, feel free to stay home. We aren’t THAT friendly. I don’t ask about your stupid state…”Oh, you’re from New York?”,”Is it just like Sex & The City?”,”Have you ever seen a rat?”,”Is your apartment small?” Duh.

 

Dec. 25th!

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christmas face Whether you were prepared or not, Christmas has arrived once again. Did you find the time and money to do all of those Martha Stewart Christmas “musts”? If you’re like me, you were just lucky enough to survive. Getting the toys out of the boxes usually involves some serious cussing. What’s with all of those twisty ties and plastic pieces making it impossible to remove the toy? How can I explain at the ER that I need stitches due to a pocket knife injury I suffered trying to free Barbie?

At last, it’s time to sit around all day in our PJs smelling that fabulous turkey cooking and playing with all our new gadgets (or planning our RETURN list for tomorrow). All the hustle and bustle is over and now we can finally relax, right? Oh wait, now it’s back to reality and time to start worrying about those credit card bills, taking DOWN the tree and losing that extra 5 pounds we gained (ok maybe 10). Oh well, for today let’s just be happy and enjoy each other. Merry Christmas!

All Grown Up

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stick person So, there’s this new trend in Hollywood. Celebrity moms have started wearing their little girls’ clothes. Nicole Richie borrowed her 6 year old daughter’s jacket and posted a pic on Instagram. Apparently, Kim Kardashian and some others are doing the same, squeezing into Hello Kitty jammies and My Little Pony t-shirts. What the hell is wrong with these people? I guess it’s one more way to gain the spotlight for 5 minutes.

I thought our daughters were supposed to raid our closets, not the other way around. Do you just need some more attention for being freaks? This wouldn’t even be possible if they weren’t stick people anyway. If I tried to wear my daughter’s clothes, it would look something like an elephant wearing a corset. I would probably rip her clothes to shreds and that’s just fitting my head in. If you are a grown woman and can wear your 5 year olds’ clothes, there is something wrong with you. Both mentally and physically. If you spot me in a Doc McStuffins bikini top that is meant to be a dress, please get me some help.

Becoming the Bullseye

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targetHave you ever been mistaken for an employee at Target? I’m not quite sure how to take it. Is it because I have that sharp, sophisticated look about myself? Do I look incredibly helpful? Or, completely useless? Or, could it be the fact that I was just stupid enough to wear a red shirt and then take my fat butt shopping at Target?! But, wouldn’t I have a nametag on? And, why would I be comparing prices in the electronics section? The funny thing is, even after the person realizes I don’t work there, they still ask for my help. And, I give it to them.

It’s too bad there isn’t anywhere to shop that someone would give a shit about you. Customer service is nothing but a fading memory. I completely understand though. I wouldn’t be happy either if I spent all day dealing with people’s crap, looking like the fricken Kool-Aid man and dealing with a Spuds MacKenzie knockoff for a mascot. Then, still not being able to afford to put food on the table at the end of the day. Have you ever considered how much of our lives we spend working at a job we can’t stand? Don’t, it is quite depressing. For those of you lucky enough to be doing something you enjoy, don’t quit your day job!

Spoiled Rotten

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rotten egg I think it’s nuts how parents will live vicariously through their children. Dressing your kid like a Barbie doll doesn’t make you any more attractive. Forcing your kid to play baseball doesn’t make you an all-star. Oh, the status quo to maintain. When I see this type of stuff going on I don’t think “Wow, they must have a lot of money and really love their kids.” I actually think “Man, aren’t these people idiots!” It is wonderful to be involved with your kids but let them choose what they want to do and remember to get a life of your own.

If your child is excelling at basketball, cheerleading or singing, that isn’t necessarily a reflection of you. What IS a direct reflection of you and your parenting skills is the behavior of your child. Teach them how to be a team player, how to be a good sport and how to treat others. Instead of compensating for all you screwed up and missed out on, focus on raising good humans, not complete brats.