Extra, Extra! Read all about it!

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newspaper   It’s hard to read all about it when your newspaper carrier only brings the paper by on a rare occasion. I know, get with the times and read your news online! I do that too. Ok, only Facebook really. So, whatever makes the headlines there is my education for the day. I may not know what is happening in the world but I can tell you the latest Kanye drama. But still, I like getting the paper (mainly for the funnies and the occasional crossword). I have paid for a subscription. What seems to be the problem?? Today I called the newspaper office for the hundredth time and I was in fact told what the problems are.

  1. It is my fault that I live on a route where few others receive a newspaper so it’s possible to get skipped due to my unacceptable location. (I live on a college campus so you figure that one out).
  2. It is also my fault that I live in an apartment building because in the dark it is hard to see the numbers. (We live on a main street right next to some very large street lights).
  3. I should not be angry I didn’t receive my paper. (This is at least the 40th time this has happened so I may have been a wee bit irritated).
  4. My missed paper cannot be re-delivered. (No explanation why).
  5. If I am lucky, I may receive a paper tomorrow but if not, I am welcome to call the office. (Sure, because that worked wonders this time).
  6. I will not be receiving any credit on my account because “These things happen”. (Of course they do but this is ignorance in excess and I am tired of paying for a paper I can’t read).
  7. If I need further assistance, I can call and talk to Lisa. (I ask, “Are you Lisa?” She said “No.”)

So there you have it, everything explained in black and white…

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Stars, Stripes and Trucker Hats

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trucker hat     As we celebrate America’s 240th Birthday, all I ask is one thing… Can we PLEASE keep the redneck antics down to a dull roar?? Yes we are Americans and hell yes, we should be proud of it. So, I am all for parades, fireworks shows, waving old glory and gathering with friends. On the other hand, there are several staple activities I for one could stand to see a little less of. Here are just a few…

Wearing flags as clothing. I actually saw a girl wearing nothing but a flag as a dress accompanied by a pair of cowboy boots. I doubt she is neither patriotic or a cowboy, but there she was flaunting it down main street. I have also seen American flags used as blankets, curtains and car covers. Let’s keep the flag on the pole where it belongs.

The battle of “My fireworks are the Best”. People spend thousands of dollars on fireworks each year. WHY?? Someone else has already handled that for you and puts on a display for everyone. Your show is not needed or appreciated. But, there are always two hillbillies in the Kmart parking lot jockeying for the trophy. It typically ends in a fist fight and at least one or two digits blown off. Yes, you are winners for sure. And, thanks for keeping us up all night in the name of Lady Liberty.

A few less drunken uncles and cousins. Wherever you find 4th of July festivities, you will also find cousin Billy passed out in one of those aluminum lawn chairs and sun burnt to a crisp wearing a “I Love America” trucker hat. Pabst beer is the blue ribbon winner after all so, I guess in some small way that counts as patriotic. Go ahead and enjoy, but stop before you are drooling and pissing yourself.

So today, let’s be American. Let’s just not be stupid Americans. The politicians already have that covered…

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