You Are Here…X

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mapHave you ever been truly lost? I don’t mean like “Where am I headed in life?”. I mean literally lost, no idea where in the hell you are. I don’t think this happens to many people, at least not since childhood. It happens to me quite a bit. There are two reasons for this: I am incapable of reading a map and, I do not comprehend directions.

Let’s start with the map problem. Mainly, I am already irritated just unfolding it because the thing is attacking me and it is winning. I don’t understand the conversion of those little lines into actual miles and if I don’t know where I am now, how do I know how to get somewhere else? Some lines are solid, some are squiggly, all pretty colors, a few weird symbols and in the end; none of it means crap to me.

Directions, I do ask for them, sometimes. But, it never helps. My husband says it is a communication barrier between men and women. Men give directions logically like: keep heading North for 2 miles, take a right at the stop sign and cross the train tracks. Women give directions like: keep driving until you see the pretty blue house with the daisies out front. Turn there and when you see a bridge by the red barn, turn again. It’s true that North, South, West and East really don’t mean that much to me and once it gets dark outside, I could drive in circles for 2 hours really thinking that I am getting somewhere. One day my directional skills may improve (not likely) but in the meantime, I am just enjoying the journey of the trip.

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What’s In A Name?

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nametagI don’t know about the rest of you but I am HORRIBLE at remembering people’s names. I know, I know, you are supposed to use some sort of association with their name and some other stupid thing that you will remember. But, the only thing I am associating is the fact that I will probably never see this person again so their name is irrelevant. But, sometimes a person does stick around for a while. That’s when things get awkward.

My daughter is friends with several of the girls in our neighborhood. They do sleepovers, pizza parties, running through the sprinklers, etc. I have met ALL of their parents and exchanged niceties. I know who they are, I could probably pick them out in a crowd and I speak to them when we cross paths. That’s as far as it goes. One set of parents turned out to be what we call “our kind of people”, you know the semi-normal ones. We have chatted several times, texted and I have even watched their kid overnight, the problem is…I don’t know their names. Now they are talking about getting together for a game night or something of the like and again, I don’t even know their names. At first it didn’t matter and I wasn’t expected to know them that well. Now it’s two years later and I SHOULD know their names but I can’t ask. So, I do a lot of the “Hey, you!” or “What’s up girlfriend?”. It is quite pathetic. I am not going to rat myself out this late in the game though. Maybe I can score an invitation to their house and do the classic medicine cabinet peek…

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Will The Circle Be Unbroken?

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turnaboutHow come there are no other drivers on the face of the Earth who know how to do those turnabout things right?? There are two types of motorists who approach these things with very different strategies. The first type believe that the world will yield to them so they can do as they please with complete disregard to all other people. They speed, they cut-in and they WILL run you over if you are walking or riding a bike and dare enter the circle. The second type is like a deer in the headlights. They pause and stare around as if this is the first time they have ever driven a car and if they screw up, the driver’s ed instructor might slam on the brakes from his side of the car. They start to go then stop several times causing all people present utter confusion. If all of this wasn’t bad enough I have seen other rules broken as well that should be obvious but since they aren’t, I feel inclined to mention them.

  1. Put down your phone BEFORE you enter the turnabout.
  2. Put down your beer BEFORE you enter the turnabout.
  3. Stop making out with your partner BEFORE you enter the turnabout.
  4. Your dog does not belong on your lap.
  5. Your girlfriend does not belong on your lap (see rule 3).
  6. Tell your kid to sit down and shut-up BEFORE you enter the turnabout.
  7. You Should Not be wearing headphones and rocking out while driving.
  8. You DON’T need to wear sunglasses when it is dark outside.
  9. Finish applying your makeup BEFORE you enter the turnabout.
  10. Put down your taco BEFORE you enter the turnabout.

If fellow drivers could help me out by at least considering the above rules, I would really appreciate it. If not, well, it will be pretty much be the same as every other day.

I’ll Take A Large Cheese Pizza, Hold The Cell Phone

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no cell phoneWhy do some individuals feel the need to completely disregard the rules of proper etiquette? Is it so hard to show others some common courtesies? The latest offenders on my list are the people who feel they are so important, they need to answer and talk on their cell phones anywhere and anytime. We have all dealt with them. They are the ones at the grocery store who can’t even get off the phone to talk to the person ringing up their purchase. The ones at the school play talking through an entire scene. The ones at the movie theatre disregarding a full room of people who have also paid their $20 to see the movie. And, they are the ones that drive me crazy at the restaurant!!

My family was dining at a local pizzeria this evening; a special treat. Pretty soon a cell phone starts ringing loudly with one of those obnoxious ringtones. A man answers it and proceeds to have a very lengthy and very LOUD conversation. Judging from the conversation, it could have waited. Nobody was dead or anything, it was just general guy talk about how women suck and they just got new tires on their sweet ride. Hello, this is very rude and it is awkward for the rest of us. Then, when my daughter starts making just a little bit of noise, I get the crusty look. If your conversation is indeed so important, take the call elsewhere. Can’t we just have a simple 30 minute dinner free from phones and iPads?? This is why I typically stay home.

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Don’t Go Away Mad, Just Go Away…

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brainThere are two kinds of people that really annoy me. One type is the person who thinks they know everything and the other type is the person who will fight with you over every little tiny detail. Guess what? Both of those types usually exist in one individual. And, I encounter them frequently. Now, there are people who truly do know a lot. But, nobody knows EVERYTHING. So, when somebody tries to convince me of their vast knowledge on all things in life, it always clues me in that they really know very little. Then, I find myself in the middle of a heated debate over the stupidest things that don’t really matter anyway. Once I realize that I am arguing with a complete idiot, I back down and let them believe they are the Master of the Universe. What do I care? It’s their world, I’m just living in it.

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When You Gotta Go…

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dirty-bathroomI have no objections to squatting in the woods (or, side of the road) to take a pee. It’s actually a much better alternative to some of the public restrooms I have encountered lately. It never fails that I walk into the stall with the overflowing toilet that refuses to flush. Filled with floating turds, huge wads of toilet paper and trash of all varieties makes it quite a sight indeed. Now you have a choice, hold it or add your deposit to the top of the pile (because all the other stalls are somehow full). Unless it is an absolute emergency, I will usually wait for the next available stall. Then, once I get in there I discover there is no tp because it has been the only functioning toilet for the last 4 hours. So, you drip dry and move on. Once you come out to wash your hands, surprise! the soap is all gone. That’s alright because you only have about 5 seconds anyway with that damn automatic faucet. Good luck drying your hands, your pant leg is the best option. For the grand finale, you look up into what is supposed to be a mirror and find it is one of those jail style mirrors with no reflective qualities at all. But, at least we know Susan has been here, it is scratched into the mirror several times (and she loves Brad 4-ever).

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It’s Tourism Season

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touristsI get really frustrated when people talk to me like I am a simpleton. Yesterday, I was out exploring ghost towns. I couldn’t find the right road I needed to take to access one of them so I stopped to ask for directions. I walk into the gas station to ask for help and the woman behind the counter is on the phone. She is telling the person on the other end the latest gossip between handfuls of Doritos. She gives me a glare as I stand at the counter waiting and tells the person on the phone very loudly “Well, I have to go now. Apparently somebody needs my help.” I smile and she says “What is it?” I asked her for directions to the ghost town. She replies with “Do you have 4 wheel drive?” I told her I didn’t. She says “Well, you’re NEVER going to be able to get there without it.” I thanked her but assured her I would be fine. She squints at me and replies with “I wouldn’t try it.” I said “Consider me warned, now how do I get there?” The already crusty look on her face worsens. I tell her “Look, I am not a tourist. I live in Montana I just haven’t been up here in a few years.” She finally gives up the directions but again tells me I will never make it. I thanked her and left. 3 hours later, I stopped back into the same place on my way home and was happy to tell her what a great time I had and that there were no problems accessing the location. She gets a half grin on her face. I said “Well, you have been a delight but I must be on my way.” Don’t tell me what I can and cannot do, I got this. You may go back to your Doritos now.

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If The Shoe Fits

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uggsBy now, most of you know my feelings on Uggs. I just can’t stand them. They are in fact UGLY and are not boots. Fortunately, Uggs are disappearing and the summer shoes are coming out. But, with that brings a new kind of ugly, Crocs. Are they seriously still making these? What are they? Big rubber clown shoes with holes in them. Are the holes for ventilation or pure style? When you buy a pair, do they come with the big red nose accessory? Next up, those slipper/shoe things with the separate toes. What purpose do those serve? I thought it was some kind of special shoe for divers or someone that spends a lot of time at the beach. Turns out, people are walking around all over with these things on. Maybe they are for those special individuals who would otherwise put their shoes on the wrong feet? Are they labeled on the bottom with “this little piggy”? They might be comfortable but, some kind of slipper sock is just not for me. When it is all said and done, I don’t really have much room to talk. After all, I grew up wearing something we use to call “jellies”. They left marks on your feet and hurt like hell but damn, we were cool.

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The Real Reason Kids Aren’t Getting Immunized

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shotIt’s the beginning of the month and as I was writing out my calendar, I realized that my daughter is 18 months old now and needs some shots. So, I called the Doctor’s office to make an appointment for her. It DID NOT go well. Check out this conversation (after waiting on hold for 15 minutes listening to a message telling me how important my call was to them):

Receptionist: very rude tone– “This is Pat, what do you need?”

Me: friendly tone “Hello, I was hoping to make an appointment for my daughter. She just turned 18 months old and needs some immunizations. Her Dr. is ______.”

Receptionist: still rudely “Well, how old is she?!”

Me: “18 months.”

Receptionist: “Who is her doctor?”

I tell her.

Receptionist: “She needs a wellness checkup in order to get her shots!”

Me: “Ok.”

Receptionist: “We don’t have any appointments until the end of August.”

Me: “I see. Would I be able to bring her in just for the shots and then schedule a wellness checkup for August?”

Receptionist: “No, we can’t give her shots without the wellness checkup.”

Me: “Alright, I guess give us the first appointment in August then.”

Receptionist: “I can schedule her but you will need to bring her in for her shots.”

Me: “When?”

Receptionist: “Now if she has turned 18 months.”

Me: “I thought she couldn’t get the shots without the appointment?”

Receptionist: “Right.”

Me: “Do you have an earlier appointment?”

Receptionist: “The first appointment I have is in August.”

Me: Dumbfounded look on face “Maybe you could just have the nurse call me.”

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What’s Your Sign?

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zodiac-signs-md     Have you ever noticed how people will use any excuse to justify their behavior? No matter what the problem is, no matter what they have done, it couldn’t be their fault. It is the fault of their dysfunctional family, society or my personal favorite; the stars. Horoscopes have become the perfect means to explain stupid behavior. Listen up. Just because the stars are aligned or the sun and moon have crossed paths doesn’t mean you can act any way you want. Zodiac signs are not an explanation of why you act the way you do. You act the way you do because you are a jerk. Don’t blame the galaxy for that.

Those who have to check their horoscope every day make me laugh too. Have you not noticed how generalized the advice is? It doesn’t amount to much of anything. It is for entertainment value. That is why it is generally printed with the funnies, Ann Landers or that weird guy that gives medical advice. Don’t take it so seriously. You already know everything it is going to tell you. Things like: someone new is going to come into your life, you will deal with monetary issues today, you may question a decision you have made and blah, blah, blah, Yep, sounds like me. And, everyone else in the world too.

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