I think it’s time for us to take a moment to talk about boobs (you knew I would get around to it sooner or later). It’s the classic tale. Those that don’t have boobs wish they did and those that do wish they didn’t. Meanwhile, the men in our lives are just thinking Alright, boobies! (size seems fairly irrelevant). Now, I can’t speak for the itty bitty’s of the world but I can speak for the well endowed. And, it pretty much sucks. Here are just a few reasons why.
– Boob Sweat. I don’t think I need to elaborate here.
– Danger! You could literally be beat to death by your own tits during exercise. No, sports bras don’t work. All that produces is a uniboob coming at you that can really pack a punch.
– No Eye Contact With A Man, Ever. They will never be able to focus on you and have a conversation. But let’s face it, do they ever really listen anyway?
– No Cute Clothes. Forget about all those cute little tops or anything that buttons up. If you think a strapless bra will work, think again. Now your shirt and bra are down at your waist and the girls are roaming free.
– Pain! It’s not easy packing these things around all the time. The backaches alone can take you down. So, we try to hike them up with the extra strength (and very expensive) bra. Now, we have deep, red marks on our shoulders where the straps have been digging in.
– You Are A Throw Pillow. Men, kids and dogs all believe that because you are squishy on top, they must lay their heads there. Not only is it uncomfortable, here comes the boob sweat again.
– Big Boobs = No Brain. This is a common misconception that is hard to clear up. Why? Well, girls with small boobs are just looking for a reason to hate us and the guys; again, not listening.
– Swimsuit Hell. There has been no swimsuit made that will look decent on us. No diving or jumping while in the pool either, those things pop right out of the side.
– Cleavage = Crumb Catcher. Wonder where those crumbs from that cookie went? Check your cleavage. At the end of the day, you need a Shop Vac to clean up the area.
– No Long Necklaces. Unless you want people to bat at it (it’s a cat toy dangling off your chest).
As you can see, big boobs are a big problem. No sleeping on your stomach, wearing a seatbelt without getting choked to death or cooking without the fear of your boobs being scorched. Give kudos to those of us who survive these tortures on a daily basis. We don’t feel sexy…we feel like a Heffalump.