Who’ll Stop The Rain?

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field dayWell, as the end of the school year is approaching for the grade school children, so is the ridiculousness. Wasted days of games, parties and trips of all kinds. Wouldn’t it be a smarter idea to load all of that “fun” stuff into a day or two so then we could just be done with school already? Then, I could get a break from pulling my hair out each morning to get the kid on the bus in time. If it is a Saturday morning, she is up at 7 or 8 am demanding breakfast. If it is a Monday morning, she is dead to the world and has one speed: SUPER SLOW. Now, we are getting down to the last few days and it’s a good thing too. People keep pissing me off and I am not afraid to tell them about it. Here’s the latest:

Last week there was a Field Day planned for my daughter’s class and a couple of other classes as well. They go to a local park and do all kinds of activities. That’s all fine and dandy and it is normally a good time but this year proved to be a different story. I usually make an appearance at this event and cheer my daughter on. This year, I was out at the store and when I got back to the car, it was pouring down rain. So, like a logical person, I assumed the whole thing must have been cancelled and I just went home. A couple of hours later, my daughter arrived home and was just about in tears. She was absolutely SOAKED! Her hair was dripping, her clothes were drenched, even down to her underwear. She was shivering and so upset! I asked her, “What happened?” She proceeded to tell me how they were forced to continue on with field day in the rain and when they questioned it, they were told to “power through”. The teachers were standing there with umbrellas as the kids slipped and fell in the mud and begged to go back to the school. What the hell was the point of that? Even a chicken has enough sense to come in out of the rain (Ok, maybe not but an adult should). My daughter had a chill and running nose for 2 days. I ended up keeping her home from school the next day and left quite a message regarding why. I told them if they had any problems with that, by all means give me a call. I received no call.

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Waiting Patiently

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wait   The waiting game. I have spent a lot of my time working with seniors in Assisted Living and Retirement centers. I am always the planner of the activities. There was one resident of mine named Donald who came to every event or outing I ever planned. He also brought his crotchety attitude along. He frequently came early and then complained non-stop about the wait time. His favorite phrase was “hurry up and wait”. It’s true though. Do you ever wonder how much of your life is spent just waiting?? The rebuffering times for Netflix alone have to add up to years of waiting. The checkout lines, the DMV and the red lights add a few more years. How about when you have to wait at the Doctor’s office in that little room with your ass hanging out of the back of the gown and the only thing they have to read is a Field and Stream from five years ago. The waiting didn’t bother me so much in the past but now that I am 40, I don’t want to waste any more time waiting. Waiting for Mr. Right has to be at the top of the list of time consumers also. There isn’t much I want to wait for now, maybe money. Money might be worth the wait. So, if the check is in the mail, I will wait for it as I stare at that rebuffering message on my tv.

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Can I Ask You A Favor?

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calling a friend    Am I the only one who receives phone calls only when somebody needs something? You know, they are moving and need your help, they are having some kind of emotional breakdown, their kid is selling some crap for school, or their car has broke down. Even though I am more than willing to help, it would be nice if at least a couple people called just to say hello or ask how I am doing. I get so lonely that when the cable company calls to offer me a great deal, I strike up a conversation. It’s funny that when you try to cash in a favor from a friend in return, they don’t answer the phone, are unusually busy or have come down with the plague. If you call up to offer them food or booze though, they will be there in an instant. It’s human nature I suppose. I keep waiting for the phone call inviting me to some special event. But then, I would have a new problem. The classic gal dilemma of “I have nothing to wear!”.

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Get Your Glamp On

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glamping     I have heard it all now. The latest craze: glamping. Maybe you know about this already but to me, it was a new idea. And, a ridiculous one at that. I kept seeing posts about these “glamping specials” for $200 a night and up. A: That doesn’t sound like much of a special to me and B: What the hell is glamping? So, I went and looked it up. The definition: glamorous camping. Excuse me? Camping is not meant to be glamorous. It’s all about bugs, sticks, dirt and smelling like campfire smoke. From the pictures I saw, glamping has turned camping into large, fancy tents with full size beds, dressers, couches, fireplaces, oil lamps and so on… We already have places for the fancy pants people who demand sophisticated standards, they are called hotels. Camping is for those of us who are able (and want to) rough it. It’s fine if that isn’t your thing but don’t try to bring the glitz and glam into the forest, it already exists there for those of us with the vision to see it. Besides, we wouldn’t want you to break a nail…

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Tight Fittin’ Jeans

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skinny jeans     Until today, I didn’t realize they made skinny jeans for adults. I really thought it was a 13 year old girl thing. But, there they were on the shelf and they were on sale so now I am the proud owner (well, the owner anyway). Don’t you absolutely dread the task of trying on clothes?? First, you have to stand in line for one of those little plastic hangers so you can put it on the door of your stall. What’s the worst that could happen if they didn’t hand out those things? People would mistake it for a bathroom or something? Next, you get in the crawl space and realize that you are actually two sizes bigger than you assumed. It’s depressing. And, it’s depressing from all sides thanks to the mirrors surrounding you on all the walls. Here’s my complaint: my skinny jeans are broken! My butt still looks like it should be tagged with a “Wide Load” sign. I guess that’s why they were reduced in price. Next up…swimsuit season!! I wonder if they are making “skinny” swimsuits yet.

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Don’t Feed The Bears

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Missed Bear     We came home today to find a bear cub running through our front yard! We watched as several cars chased him down the street as he swerved in and out of yards. Pretty soon two young blonde ladies in flip flops, short shorts and wet t-shirt contest ready shirts came walking by. One asked “Like, did you see a bear go by here?” I told them which direction it headed but in my mind I was thinking Oh My God. What did they plan to do if they actually caught up with the bear? Try to pet him? Ask him to share a picnic basket lunch? Give me a break. I had to see how this all was going to play out. I grabbed my camera and hopped in the car. All kinds of people were on the bear’s trail including 2 cops. I just stayed back and watched the show. A female cop got out of her squad car and tried enticing the bear with some kind of food she had on a paper plate. So here she is waving the plate at the bear and saying “Are you hungry?” Again, give me a break. The bear paused for a moment to give her a look of WTF? and then ran off. People stopped gardening, biking, working on cars and barbecuing all to chase this bear. Is it the wisest idea to chase a bear, especially on foot? I have to again pose the question, what will you do when you catch it? Throw a leash on it? Ask him to please leave? I tried to snap a quick photo of the bear but as you can see he was way too fast for me. And, I believe I was the only person involved that didn’t actually want to catch the thing. But, people are funny and I was entertained. I thing the bear was too.

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Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

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sugar and spice     People never cease to amaze me with their rudeness. It costs nothing to be decent to your fellow man. Why is it hard to say hello to someone? Over the past few days, I have been snubbed several times. It’s that deal where I am walking towards someone (a stranger), they look up and we make eye contact. I then feel obligated to smile and say hello, so I always do. They just stare at me and keep on walking. Well excuse me for being polite! It’s not like I wanted to engage in a conversation with you or anything. It’s a simple recognition of my greeting. I would even accept a smile or a nod. Instead I get the “you’re nuts” stare and they keep walking. It makes me want to turn around and say “Hey, jackass! I am speaking to you!” But so far, I have been able to restrain myself.

This afternoon, I noticed a woman was standing outside with her vehicle broke down. I assume she was waiting for a tow truck. It is a very busy street and she had a little girl with her. I felt bad for them standing out there so I went outside and asked them if they would prefer to wait in the house. Again, I was greeted with a look of disgust and she said “Why would we want to do that?” I am not a serial killer, just a nice person. I guess it’s true what they say, nice guys (and girls) finish last.

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The Loaded Diaper

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loaded diaper     It’s a busy evening at your local restaurant. The tables are all full, you have just sat down, finished ordering your food and are enjoying your beverages. It seems like a nice evening out with your family. Then, it hits. POOP time. My daughter hates to take a poop and makes a big production out it. First, she puts on the beet red tomato face. Next comes the grunting as she starts to squeeze it out and finally, she screams bloody murder to finish the production. It’s scarier than a scene from The Exorcist. There is nothing that quiets her down until the deed is done. Many faces have stared at me in disbelief or disgust as I have rushed off to the women’s restroom for the dreaded diaper change. Forget the fact that the whole place thinks my daughter is demon spawn, here’s my dilemma. What is the proper etiquette when it comes to a loaded diaper? We are talking toxic waste here. I always feel bad tossing it into the garbage can to stink up the place but what else are you going to do with it? Drop it in your purse for later? After we have run everyone off with the stench, I sheepishly enter the world again. Should I tell someone about the stink bomb we just left so they can take that garbage out? Or, do I just run and try to forget yet another traumatic poop event? Maybe they could start putting some of those disposable bags in the restrooms so I could wrap it up before I toss it. You know, like they have at the dog park? Yikes. The next time my daughter smells food, she is at it again. I guess the smart and polite thing to do would be to keep my ass home until she is potty trained. Then, at least we can flush at the end of the production.

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Potty Mouth (Other Than Mine)

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toilet     It’s not a matter of IF your kids are going to embarrass you, it’s just a question of when, where and to what extent. Today, my daughter got me pretty good. I had to get some grocery shopping done so I loaded her in the cart and she smiled happily and waved to people as we went by. She looks very sweet and innocent. She is learning all kinds of new words. Today, she decided to practice some of that knowledge. As we are going through the store, she starts yelling “Cock, Cock!”. I am not sure what she was trying to say but that was what was coming out. I know my face was all kinds of red. I tried to shhhh her which only made her yell louder. It didn’t help that we were going by the sporting goods section and needless to say, there was lots of “cock” around. One pervert got a grin on his face and asked me “What exactly are you shopping for today?” I answered with “If I find it, I’ll let you know.” I quickly made my way to the food section and proceeded on with my shopping. My daughter was still yelling but it had dimmed down and was G rated. Oh the fun of shopping with a small child. She likes to throw items at random people too. If you see us in the store, take cover.

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Hooray For Boobies!

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boobs    I think it’s time for us to take a moment to talk about boobs (you knew I would get around to it sooner or later). It’s the classic tale. Those that don’t have boobs wish they did and those that do wish they didn’t. Meanwhile, the men in our lives are just thinking Alright, boobies! (size seems fairly irrelevant). Now, I can’t speak for the itty bitty’s of the world but I can speak for the well endowed. And, it pretty much sucks. Here are just a few reasons why.

Boob Sweat. I don’t think I need to elaborate here.

Danger! You could literally be beat to death by your own tits during exercise. No, sports bras don’t work. All that produces is a uniboob coming at you that can really pack a punch.

No Eye Contact With A Man, Ever. They will never be able to focus on you and have a conversation. But let’s face it, do they ever really listen anyway?

No Cute Clothes. Forget about all those cute little tops or anything that buttons up. If you think a strapless bra will work, think again. Now your shirt and bra are down at your waist and the girls are roaming free.

Pain! It’s not easy packing these things around all the time. The backaches alone can take you down. So, we try to hike them up with the extra strength (and very expensive) bra. Now, we have deep, red marks on our shoulders where the straps have been digging in.

You Are A Throw Pillow. Men, kids and dogs all believe that because you are squishy on top, they must lay their heads there. Not only is it uncomfortable, here comes the boob sweat again.

Big Boobs = No Brain. This is a common misconception that is hard to clear up. Why? Well, girls with small boobs are just looking for a reason to hate us and the guys; again, not listening.

Swimsuit Hell. There has been no swimsuit made that will look decent on us. No diving or jumping while in the pool either, those things pop right out of the side.

Cleavage = Crumb Catcher. Wonder where those crumbs from that cookie went? Check your cleavage. At the end of the day, you need a Shop Vac to clean up the area.

No Long Necklaces. Unless you want people to bat at it (it’s a cat toy dangling off your chest).

As you can see, big boobs are a big problem. No sleeping on your stomach, wearing a seatbelt without getting choked to death or cooking without the fear of your boobs being scorched. Give kudos to those of us who survive these tortures on a daily basis. We don’t feel sexy…we feel like a Heffalump.

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