The older I get, the more stuff I figure out. It’s not that I am wise, I just finally learned to accept things that ALWAYS happen. I call them Jolene’s Laws and every now and then, I will give you a peek. Unless you’re in denial, you have probably realized these laws exist as well. Don’t fight it, just work around it.
1. When you drop something in the kitchen, it WILL roll directly under either the fridge or stove. If you are brave enough to look under either of those appliances, you will find several other objects (and unidentifiable items) but NEVER what you just lost.
2. If the car is making some kind of weird noise and you tell your husband about it, the car will NEVER repeat its behavior with him in the car. He will think you are crazy and your car is secretly laughing at you. Well played, Mr. Automobile.
3. When you are driving and switch lanes to get in the one that is moving faster, it WILL become the slow lane. Stay put.
4. You will NEVER notice that the roll of toilet paper is empty until you have already done your business. Good Luck.
5. If it’s a nice day and you decide to leave the house without a coat, a blizzard WILL hit.
6. If you are experiencing a bad hair day, bad face day, huge butt syndrome (hey, it can happen to anyone) or any other personal appearance problem, stay home. If you go out, you WILL see every person you know, including your ex and their hot new lover.
7. When you finally get that raise at work, it WILL put you in a higher tax bracket. Now you will actually be taking home LESS pay for MORE work.
8. If you fall down, no matter where it is or what time of day it is, someone DID see you. And, they are laughing their ass off.
9. As soon as you see a sign that reads “Next Rest Area 150 Miles”, you WILL have to pee.
10. After you have unloaded your entire cart of groceries onto the belt, the cashier WILL tell you “Sorry, this lane is closed” and slam that little plastic sign down. She isn’t sorry…
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