Bundles of Joy

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baby     I read an article about blogging that said you shouldn’t blog about babies because they aren’t funny. C’mon now, babies ARE funny. They are little humans who can piss and shit on anyone they choose without getting in trouble. You’re telling me these little creatures don’t plot against us sometimes? I always think they are laughing on the inside when they leave a turd in the tub or pee in your face just as you get the diaper off. Is it a coincidence that they always throw a fit at the restaurant or on a plane? And, you know they strategically place their toys so you will step on them in the middle of the night in your bare feet. Adorable? Yes. Innocent? Hardly.

Some people believe that all babies are cute. This is absolutely NOT true. I think we have all been in that situation where a baby will indeed take your breath away; out of shock. Of course all babies are beautiful. But, most of them are pretty weird looking with their odd proportions and strange skin colorations. So, when the parents shove that thing in our face, we have to justify our gasps by pretending it really is the cutest thing we have ever seen. That’s puppies, not babies. It’s alright, they grow into their heads eventually and lose the roaming eye.

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Car Talk

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bumper stickers     Do you ever find yourself judging people by the bumper stickers on their car? First of all, I can’t stand bumper stickers. It’s like a toddler putting stickers all over the wall. In my opinion, it is just wrong and trashy. But, people can (and will) do whatever they want. It does lead to me sitting behind a person with a bumper sticker that reads “I brake for turtles” and thinking Wow, this person needs help. If car owners must express their political opinions, that’s fine too. However, it is a STICKER. So, we will be looking at it for the next 20 years. A lot of things seemed like a good idea…at the time. How about the obvious bumper stickers? I saw one that read “My dog is my co-pilot”. Oh good, I saw that furry head sticking out of the window with the long tongue hanging down and mistook it to be your husband. Thanks for clearing that up.

What about the little plastic signs people hang up in the car? My favorite is “Baby on Board”. As if I would have just slammed into you before but now that I know you have a baby, I won’t be a raving lunatic. I have seen some that say “Baby MADE on Board”. At least that is funny.

Final rant of the day; personalized plates. If a typical person won’t be able to figure it out, what’s the point? You just wasted a pile of cash. And, if we CAN figure it out and it is lame, same thing. Nobody really cares if you are TOMS GAL. The way you’re driving, it just makes me feel bad for Tom. Oh wait, that’s not Tom, it’s your dog.

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Just Ask An Expert

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http://www.dreamstime.com/royalty-free-stock-image-expert-image29671546   I saw a help wanted ad on Monster looking for a “Director of First Impressions”. Sounds sort of prestigious huh? Well, it is actually a receptionist position that pays $8.00 an hour. I think first impressions are worth a lot more than that. Titles are funny to me. We can’t really escape the work titles they slam upon us. I have been a “Life Enrichment Coordinator” (activity director), a “Guest Support Specialist” (maid) and a “Director of Employee Affairs” (HR). Why can’t we just call shit what it is? There is no need to fancy it up. A “Waste Management Specialist” is still a garbage man. Just let me know what I am getting into already.

What I wonder is how individuals reach the “expert” level. You will see people on TV and below their name it will say “Expert on Foreign Affairs” or “UFO Expert”. Who is handing out these titles? Or, do you just realize one day that you are an “expert” and start referring to yourself as such? I sure hope my “expert” revelation hits soon. But, I fear my title would be something like “Fatty Foods Expert” or “Expert in Diapering”. I guess we all have our calling…

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Living as “The Other”

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other facebook    How does it feel to be the “other”? I am not talking about the other woman. I am talking about the “other” folder on Facebook. Are you aware that this exists? Most of my friends are not. But yes, it is real. Check it out sometime. In your “other” folder you will find messages from five years ago. It took me a couple of years to realize I had an “other folder”. When I did finally discover it, it turns out I had some pretty cool messages. A lot of messages enticing me to buy sunglasses as well. So, when you open up your Facebook on your computer, click on your messages and next to your inbox, there is an “other” folder. Try it out. It may surprise you.

Because nobody knows about this, you can send messages until the end of time with no response. It used to be that you could request someone as friend and then include a message; like Hey Susie, I am Jan’s cousin. Thanks Facebook, that feature is gone now. So, I request a friend, give an explanation of who I am into their “other” folder; they don’t ever get it, have no idea who I am and deny me for lack of existence. Why have I been condemned only to exist as the “other”? I feel like I am “THE ONE”. But, I guess if I was, I wouldn’t hit the “other” folder in the first place…

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Head Banging

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bump on head    It seems I have an abnormally large head. It gets in the way, a lot. It causes me many headaches, literally. Let me give you an example. Yesterday, I was at the drive-thru of my bank. The woman starts talking to me over that intercom thing and she sounds like one of the teachers from Charlie Brown. You know, “Whaa, whaa, whaa”? I somehow think if I stick my head out the window and get closer to the speaker, I will be able to understand her. I say “What?” and she repeats her Charlie Brown garble. I put the dumb smile on (the kind we use when we have NO idea what is going on) and hit the send button. I then proceed to slam my head on the car door as I attempt to move it back into the car. As the stars start floating around my head, I hear the loud laughter of some high school kids in the next lane. Mind you, they are in some P.O.S. car that is five different colors, one window busted out and missing door handles. But, I am the funniest thing they have seen all day. One kid asks “Are you OK ma’am?” No, I am far from OK. But, I just put the dumb smile back on…

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Does Anyone PAY In This Business?

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no money   So, I worked my butt off to earn my degree with honors. I searched for work until I came to the realization that with the high cost of daycare and the low wages my field has to offer, I would actually be PAYING to go to work. I started Plan B; becoming a Freelance Writer. Little did I know, that actually meant writing for FREE.

It isn’t easy for me to accomplish something during a typical day. I have a small child at home who is quite demanding. If you don’t respond promptly, she WILL throw something at you. She is a total monster and the sweetest thing simultaneously. It is wonderful to be home raising her. But, my day consists of cooking, cleaning, serving my family; repeat. I am a good multi-tasker but some days are a challenge even for me.

With all of that going on, deadlines are tough to meet. But, I do it. Even if it means I am working one handed with a kid asleep on my lap or at 4am when the house is finally quiet. I have done my part. I have produced many articles that have been published and have been very popular. But, the companies still won’t pay! Even the ones I have contracts with. Each place claims they are a month behind with billing, they are going through some managerial changes, blah, blah, blah. It has now been three months in some cases and I am still sitting here empty handed. I don’t mind volunteering to write some articles but that agreement needs to be understood by both parties. Not, Surprise! We decided we don’t want to pay you. Maybe it is time to move on to Plan C…

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Me VS The Machine Pt. 2 (I lose Again)

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help!    I hate to admit that technology has handed my ass to me again but, even I know when I have been defeated. The original idea seemed simple enough. I was trying to put together a 1 minute film to enter into a contest. 3 days later, the mission has still not been accomplished and I am ready to destroy the next machine that gets in my way.

Because I have pictures, videos, slides and sound clips in various places, I ended up using 5 different computers just to collect all of the media I wanted. Plus, one computer has a file converter, one has my video camera software installed on it, one has backup picture files and so on. With the power of flash drives, I finally managed to get all of the data on one computer and a day later, I had a completed video. We’re done right? Nope. More conversions to create the proper file type.

Next, I log onto the website to enter my video. After signing my life away to create an account, I load the video. So far, so good. The next screen asks for a bunch more info, no problem. The last page wants me to load a cover photo for the film. I do, it won’t load. I try again and again, no luck. I notice a box that says “If you are having trouble loading your photo, email ______” So, this happens often huh? I email that person and she starts spouting off the necessary dimensions, ratios and file names. My response is…”What?” But, I try again and again and again. You win technology, my brain hurts.

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Kids Love Me

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boy shooting toy water gun    I always wonder why children are so drawn to me. I mean, I like my own and a few choice others. But mostly, I’m just not a fan. Nevertheless, they flock to me. Often, at swimming pools or parks, they come running up to me for no apparent reason. Maybe they think I am the Kool-Aid man or something, we are about the same size. They always want to be my friend. I am too nice to say “Scram kid!” So, I help them with whatever they need or watch them do tricks on the monkey bars.

Being nice isn’t always the best route to go, it only encourages them. A couple of days ago I was sitting in the front yard with my youngest daughter. Before you know it, I have half of the neighborhood surrounding me. And, these kids are loud! They all have trucks with horns or cop cars with sirens. Pretty soon my head is pounding. Next thing I know, one hoodlum has a toy gun pointed at my daughter’s forehead. She freaks out so I tell him we don’t play that way and he says “You do now!’ Man, I can’t take it. I tried switching to the backyard but they find me there too. I made the mistake of giving them popsicles once. Now, they are my buddies for life. Oh well, better than most grownups I guess.

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A Peek at “Jolene’s Laws”

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empty tp roll     The older I get, the more stuff I figure out. It’s not that I am wise, I just finally learned to accept things that ALWAYS happen. I call them Jolene’s Laws and every now and then, I will give you a peek. Unless you’re in denial, you have probably realized these laws exist as well. Don’t fight it, just work around it.

1. When you drop something in the kitchen, it WILL roll directly under either the fridge or stove. If you are brave enough to look under either of those appliances, you will find several other objects (and unidentifiable items) but NEVER what you just lost.

2. If the car is making some kind of weird noise and you tell your husband about it, the car will NEVER repeat its behavior with him in the car. He will think you are crazy and your car is secretly laughing at you. Well played, Mr. Automobile.

3. When you are driving and switch lanes to get in the one that is moving faster, it WILL become the slow lane. Stay put.

4. You will NEVER notice that the roll of toilet paper is empty until you have already done your business. Good Luck.

5. If it’s a nice day and you decide to leave the house without a coat, a blizzard WILL hit.

6. If you are experiencing a bad hair day, bad face day, huge butt syndrome (hey, it can happen to anyone) or any other personal appearance problem, stay home. If you go out, you WILL see every person you know, including your ex and their hot new lover.

7. When you finally get that raise at work, it WILL put you in a higher tax bracket. Now you will actually be taking home LESS pay for MORE work.

8. If you fall down, no matter where it is or what time of day it is, someone DID see you. And, they are laughing their ass off.

9. As soon as you see a sign that reads “Next Rest Area 150 Miles”, you WILL have to pee.

10. After you have unloaded your entire cart of groceries onto the belt, the cashier WILL tell you “Sorry, this lane is closed” and slam that little plastic sign down. She isn’t sorry…

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EVERYONE is on Social Media

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social media     I woke up this morning to quite a shock. I got on my computer, opened up my email and found a message that said “Satan is now following you”. Whoa, shit just got real. I took a glance behind me but didn’t see anything. That Satan can be a master of disguises though. I clicked on the message and discovered that Satan is following me…on Twitter. I think you realize you’re gaining popularity when Satan himself takes the time to follow you. I go check out his profile. It reads “I am the great adversary of humanity. Causing mischief and corrupting souls…Location: “on shoulder”. I know you are supposed to keep your enemies close but, I just can’t follow Satan back in good conscience. Other souls must not have the same dilemma. He has 4,300 followers. I guess you have to hand it to him for getting on board with social media.

After that, I went to check in on the Facebook world. A friend suggestion came up. The name is Phil Mycrackin. It’s good to see that the classic jokes never die. I wonder if he knows Satan? Or, maybe he just sticks to his group of friends like Seymour Butts. Life is fun when you are so easily entertained. I’m off to see if Jesus has a board on Pinterest. I hear he is pretty good with woodworking projects.

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