What’s For Lunch?

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school lunch I thought school lunches were bad when I was a kid. But, I think they have actually gotten worse. This stuff is nasty! It’s either rubbery, brick hard, frozen or unidentifiable. And, there’s none of it! The portions are so small, no kid could get full on that. Seconds cost $4 and often, they are just told there is no more. I saw a little girl get herself a tiny cup of peaches and she was promptly reprimanded. I have to pack my daughter a lunch almost every single day just to make sure she gets to eat.

The lunch ladies are mean as hell too! What happened to those pudgy old ladies that were so sweet? These women scream at the kids to shut-up. Why don’t you?? If they ask to go to the bathroom, their lunch is taken away and they are sent back outside. You better not let your kids’ money run out either. They will receive no lunch and be yelled at in front of all the other kids. What’s going on? I called the school and told them if my kid ever got yelled at again for needing more money or was denied lunch, I was coming down there to raise some hell. Nobody wants that.

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I’ve Lost Control

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remote control Something terrible has happened! I cannot find the remote control for the TV. I know what you’re thinking; get off your ass and change it manually. I wish it was that simple. Have you noticed these damn TVs they make now? If you don’t have the remote, you are totally screwed. There are a few buttons on the side of it but selections are limited. I am too cheap to pay for cable and now I can’t even get to Netflix.

It all started because I was trying to hide the remote from the kid. Why do all kids love remotes?? She is completely fascinated with it and if she gets ahold of it, she brings up menus I have never even seen before. Then, even after I take it away, I have to give it back to her so she can fix it. I know I put it somewhere she couldn’t get to it but where is it now? I have checked all the usual places; the couch cushions, the recliner, her room. No luck so far. All night with no TV? Man, I hope I’m not forced to do something constructive with my time. I better get back to the search…

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Press 1 For English. What Do I Press For Human??

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robotGetting on the phone and trying to talk to ANY customer service department is a huge pain in the ass. I dread every minute of it because my time is limited and my patience is quite thin. Nonetheless, today I was forced to call in a payment. I thought ok, I will just use the automated system and it will only take a few minutes. Ha, Ha. First of all, I live in the United States, why do I have to press 1 for English?? My call with the robot didn’t go so well. Here are the highlights:

The Robot: “Welcome, how can I help you today?”
Me: “I would like to make a payment.”
The Robot: “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”
Me: “Make a payment!”
The Robot: “I didn’t quite catch that, did you say change your service?”
Me: “No!”
The Robot: “Ok, how can I help you?”
Me: “MAKE A PAYMENT!!”
The Robot: “Ok, I can help you transfer your service.”
Me: “No! Can I talk to a customer service rep?”
The Robot: “I’m sorry you’re having trouble. Would you like to talk to a specialist?”
Me: “Yes!”
The Robot: “Ok, goodbye.”

Then, the robot hung up on me. I had to call in two more times just to get one stupid payment made. I see automatic payments in my future. Either that or the robot gets it.

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If You Build It…It May Fall Apart (at least in my case)

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confused There are 3 words I hate to see written on anything I purchase: Some Assembly Required. And by SOME, they mean ALL. I couldn’t even do SOME. First off, the instructions come in about 15 different languages. They claim that one of them is English but, it still doesn’t make any sense to me. I try following those darn instructions but it never fails that I will put something on backwards or upside-down. Then I have to start all over (or just leave the item that way). You should see some of my bookcases, yikes. One Christmas Eve, I spent 2 hours trying to put together a bike from “Santa”. I finally produced something that sort of resembled a bike but it never was quite right. I always end up with extra parts in the end too. What’s up with that?? Thankfully, my husband handles most of these tasks now. There is always some cussing involved but, he ends up doing a much better job than I ever could.

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Making Headlines

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police Sometimes when you need a good laugh, you don’t need to look any further than your local newspaper. The police reports can be quite entertaining. At least in our small town anyway. Obviously citizens and police alike must be pretty bored. I guess that’s not a bad thing. The humor comes from a few different groups of people:


    The Drunks

– An intoxicated woman said she twisted her ankle when she fell after a man bumped into her on Main Street.
– Police received a report of a vehicle with it’s alarm going off at 4:55am. Officers found an intoxicated woman in the passenger seat and an intoxicated man on the side of the car surrounded by vomit. They were given a ride to a friend’s house.
– A man and woman who were both intoxicated were sitting on a bench at the library at 10:06am. The caller who reported them said they weren’t causing a problem, just drinking beer and greeting people. They were warned.

    The Paranoid

– A woman reported a growing concern about a downstairs neighbor who plays loud music all hours of the night and has acted aggressively toward another neighbor.
– A caller thought a neighbor possibly had an illegal muffler on his jeep. The caller said when the neighbor starts it up and revs the engine, the caller can hear it from a few blocks away.
– A tenant in a Main Street Building reported he thought that a vacuum was stolen from the building’s closet. He was unsure, however and said he would report it if he found out the vacuum had in fact been stolen.

    The Stupid

– A man and woman were warned for arguing in a parking lot about who was going to drive across the street to McDonald’s.
– Two men were warned for driving through a field that they didn’t own.
– A caller reported that her son was walking in the rocks at McDonald’s and tripped on a hose that was hidden in the rocks.
-Someone threw Burger King barbecue sauce at a person’s Leep Lane door. The person thought past renters might have been the culprits.

    Just Plain WTF?

– A woman wanted to talk to an officer about an incident the previous night where the man she was dancing with was spinning her around too roughly and broke her finger.
– A woman reported that she was missing a homemade llama ornament that was taken out of her mailbox at Christmas time.
– Several people entered an apartment uninvited, sprayed baby powder in the room and urinated on the floor.
– An officer spoke with a man who was wearing a cape and hood and carrying a fake ax. The man said he was just doing it to see what kind of attention he would get.

Police Reports courtesy of The Bozeman Daily Chronicle

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I Put the C in Cool (or maybe just the ool in drool)

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over the hill I saw a bumper sticker on the back of a mini van today that read “I used to be cool”. Doesn’t that about sum it up? As the big 40 is creeping up on me in a couple weeks, I am reminded of my geezer status. I used to party into the wee hours of the morning, sleep for an hour or two, go put in an 8 hour work shift and then do it all over again. Friday nights were reserved for some spectacular event. Now, Friday nights are usually spent beached on the couch, munching popcorn and watching American Horror Story. If I am forced to stay up past 11pm, I consider that really late.

One day, I was appalled at what came out of my mouth; “This isn’t music! When we were growing up we had good tunes!” Actually, I do like a lot of the new music. But, some of it I just can’t stand. It doesn’t make any sense to me. But, when my daughter and all of her friends love it (One Direction), that’s how I know I am old and not very cool. I’m not so hip with the fashion either. Floral print stretch pants, a ruffled shirt and 2 different colored socks just isn’t a look I am ready to flaunt. How about the TV shows where 25 year olds are portraying teenagers? Give me Saved By The Bell any day. Although, I heard old Screech was in the slammer for murder?? What is this world coming to? See, another geezer phrase. It’s inevitable…

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Jammies AREN’T Pants!

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jammies There are a growing number of individuals who go around town wearing their pajamas. See, I’m confused. I thought you were supposed to get dressed BEFORE you left the house? I could understand this behavior in the case of an emergency. But, these people are at Wal-Mart, Hastings or just walking down the street. Have they forgotten that they are wearing their teddy bear pajama pants? Or, do they have different categories of jammies? Some are for sleeping and some are for running errands?? Now, I will admit that I have let myself go a bit since having kids. I am just so tired and some days, a shower isn’t even an option. But, I would NEVER leave the house without getting dressed. Can’t you at least throw some sweats and a t-shirt on? Ok, you’re comfortable. Well, I guess so, you are supposed to be in a bed! Do us a favor and take 3 minutes to put some clothes on. Society will thank you for it.

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Top 12 Products NOT to Buy Generic…You WILL Pay

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generic cereal What’s in a name?? We all want to save a few bucks by being a thrifty shopper. And often, the generic brand is just as good. But for a few items, the generic brand will bite you in the ass. So, don’t be fooled! Here are some products you shouldn’t skimp on and why:

1. Duct Tape (the real stuff). It’s the only thing that will get the job done. If it actually has a picture of a duck on it, it won’t even stick to itself.

2. Jeans. Sure, you can save a little cash by going generic but, you will look like a total idiot. They will feel like cardboard, rub against your thighs until you get a rash and they will NEVER fit properly.

3. Alcohol. Unless you don’t have any taste buds left, generic booze won’t do. Even hobos don’t fill their sack with that stuff. And, did I mention the headache?

4. Diapers. When you’ve got a loaded one, brand matters. Generic ones don’t fit properly and the green poop explosion will squish out the diaper and up the baby’s back. Then, your only real option is to just hose them off.

5. Paper Products. When the kid has just spilled Kool-Aid all over, you don’t want to be using a paper towel that won’t soak it up and rips into pieces. How about toilet paper? That one ply stuff will not do the job. Now, your ass is still dirty and so is your hand.

6. Garbage Bags. Coffee grounds, used Kleenex, old food, it’s all in there. And now, it’s all over your floor too if you went with the cheap brand.

7. Cereal. It does NOT taste the same. The kids will hate it too. There is a big difference between Cocoa Puffs and Chocolatey O’s.

8. Kids Backpacks. All the kids want the cool backpack with the latest cartoon character on it. But, Sophia the First is a plastic piece of crap and the straps will rip right off. If you choose one of these for the school year, plan on buying 3 or 4.

9. Toys. The remote control car that is attached to the remote is never any fun. Neither is the one piece plastic Barbie with legs and arms that don’t move. Her head however will pop off.

10. Cheese. Ever wondered what cardboard tastes like? Now, you know. If it ain’t Kraft, it’s probably no good.

11. Crayons/Pencils. Generic crayons don’t color! So, you keep pressing down harder and then the damn thing busts in half. Generic pencils don’t sharpen properly and then the lead keeps busting. That’s ok though because the eraser doesn’t work either. It will leave big red blotches on your paper or rip a big hole in it.

12. Saran Wrap. This stuff is frustrating enough. Try using the generic brand and you will end up with nothing but a big wad of crap you have to throw away (and a bloody stub). Now, where is that Tupperware lid?

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Birthdays Are Breaking The Bank

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bday party My daughter is 10 years old and I swear she has been to about 20 birthday parties this school year already. It’s somebody’s birthday like every 5 minutes. It has cost a small fortune to buy gifts for all of these parties but of course I can’t say no. And, if the parents are that brave to keep track of 20-30 obnoxious kids hopped up on pop and pizza, more power to them. We have hosted a couple of birthday parties and they have gone off without a hitch. But, a party I hosted a few years ago didn’t have the same success. It was a birthday party for 4 year olds held at a pizza parlor. I was amazed that parents just dumped their kids off and ran as fast as they could.

Things were going pretty well until another birthday party started right next to ours. I can’t tell these kids apart and I had no idea who belonged to us and who was theirs. I became frantic as I saw a little boy wander out the front door. I proceeded to scold him and chase him back inside only to be confronted by his pissed off mother. Turns out he didn’t belong at either party, he was just there with his parents. His mom told me a thing or two. I believe “mind your own business” was one of them. Well, what the hell? Why aren’t you watching your kid? The highway runs right by there. Once again, people are nuts! Two more birthday parties this weekend, better go get my purse…

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Why Women Go To The Bathroom In Groups

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women Have you ever wondered why a woman never goes to the bathroom alone? This has baffled men for some time. But, I am going to let you in on the big secret. There are a few reasons why we want a bathroom buddy:

1. We want a waiting partner. Men never have to worry about a long line at the restroom. The women’s line however will be out the door and around the corner. We need someone to talk to while we wait and do the pee pee dance.

2. We want to talk about you. Sometimes we need a little mini conference. We want to talk about our dates, the waitress, our friends who didn’t come to the bathroom with us, anyone really. Women need confirmation that the waitress was rude, our friend is acting like a bitch tonight and our date is a total loser.

3. We need an honest opinion. Girls are mean. But, sometimes we need that brutal honesty. We go to the bathroom to “freshen up”. We need to know our hair and makeup look good. A guy isn’t going to tell you that you have parsley in your teeth or a boogie in your nose (he actually hasn’t even noticed).

4. We need something. Most women travel with a trunkful of items they have crammed into a “purse”. So, if a woman finds herself without lip gloss, a tampon or a breath mint, one of our partners in crime will have what we need.

5. We don’t want to leave a friend vulnerable. If a woman has to use the facilities, she won’t leave a friend alone with that creepy guy that’s been stalking her all night. That just wouldn’t be right.

6. We need to adjust. Women need to adjust too guys, we just don’t do it out in the open. Sometimes, the girls will start slipping right out of the push-up bra and sometimes the underwear go straight up the butt. Why do we need a friend for this? Well, we need to make sure the girls are even and no underwear line is showing.

7. We want to be safe. Hey, have you ever seen a woman’s bathroom in the late night hours? It’s pretty frightening and nobody knows what might be lurking in there. Sure, it’s usually just mounds of tp, puke and used pads. But still, that’s pretty scary.

There are many reasons girls choose to partner up for potty time but these are a few of those revealed. These are subject to change at any time because in the end, we just want to confuse you.

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