I’ve been a fan of horror movies since the early 1980’s when my grandpa let me watch The Exorcist. Other than a few minor exceptions of pretty terrifying stuff, I find them hilarious. After all of the sleepovers, Halloween happenings, summer camps, freaky kids, nightmares and talking dolls, I have learned a thing or two. I have no doubt I could take on Freddy Krueger. Just for fun, let’s look at how you too can survive a horror movie…
1. Don’t Have Sex, Ever– You WILL die. No kissing, touching, flirting or even thinking about the opposite sex. Don’t believe you can sneak in a quickie either. They are watching and you WILL die (But hey, depending on your partner, maybe it’s worth it). Hello, Kevin Bacon!
2. Don’t Forget Your Clothes-Tank tops, daisy dukes, wet t-shirts, short skirts and slutty lingerie all scream “Kill me, please”. You never see a girl in coveralls, a moo moo or a big heavy coat getting knocked off.
3. Don’t Check To See If The Bad Guy Is Dead– Trust me, he or she isn’t. Just keep shooting, stabbing or better yet, consider a beheading. Then, run like hell! Never, under any circumstances should you lay down next to the “dead” body.
4. Don’t Go Check What That Noise Was– You know what it is; a demon, a monster, a vampire, a ghost. Whatever it is, it’s not good. So, just get out of there and don’t look back. What if you did find something? How could you defend yourself in your underwear and with a butcher knife you don’t even know how to hold properly? Just run.
5. Don’t Mess With Creepy Little Kids– If you meet a kid that gives you the willies, just give them some candy and say goodbye. Don’t try to help them, don’t make fun of them and don’t screw with their families. Again, you WILL die.
6. Don’t Rely On Your Cell Phone– In a crisis situation, I can guarantee that your phone won’t work. When is Verizon going to expand their coverage area to include “psycho-killer zones”?
7. Don’t Visit Houses On A Hill Or Towns In The Middle Of Nowhere– It’s pretty obvious that these choices will end up with your head in a jar. Stick to very busy, well lit locations. Forget the woods. Taking on a guy on his own turf? You WILL die.
8. Don’t Bathe– Just to be safe, you better not take any long hot bubble baths or steamy showers in which you fondle yourself. Killers live for that shit and ghosts want to hop in with you.
9. Don’t Celebrate Halloween– No costumes, no parties and definitely no carving pumpkins (the symbol for “We welcome spirits here”). Don’t even hand out candy to trick-or-treaters. It’s not a cute little kid. It is a demon and you guessed it, you WILL die. Keep your doors locked and don’t come out until the night of evil has passed.
10. Don’t Split-up– It’s a lot harder to kill 15 of you as a group than it is to pluck you off one by one. Travel in packs. Preferably, packs of people with brains though, not blondes with perky boobs and one hell of a set of lungs (again, unless you think it’s worth it…)
As you can see, there are many precautions you can take to stay alive. Always avoid basements, flickering lights, graveyards and truck stops. If the record starts skipping, it’s too late and you WILL die. Who owns a record player in this day and age? You were just asking for it. What tips do you have to add? Is garlic still effective for those pesky vampires??
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