Munchkins on the Runway

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dirty kid Have you heard about this little girl from Russia that has been named “The Most Beautiful Girl In The World”? She is 9 years old. She is known as the world’s youngest supermodel and has been modeling since she was 4 years old. Am I the only one who thinks this is nuts? I can’t even imagine turning my daughter into a supermodel. Not that she isn’t beautiful, she is. But, at 4 years old, she was wearing a Dora the Explorer t-shirt, SpongeBob shorts, two different shoes, plastic bracelets and was covered in popsicle juice and pudding remnants. You know, like a normal little girl.

This mini model has almost 3 million likes on her Facebook page. Even Cindy Crawford has just over a million. What kind of pressure is that? Her mom has said she won’t let anyone bash her daughter on social media. Ok, but jerks are everywhere. Maybe you can block them from social media, but how do you block them from real life?

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A Math Lesson

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math homework I admit it, I hate math. So, when I went to college, I took several math courses so I wouldn’t have to feel too stupid to do math. Now, I try to help my daughter with her 4th grade math and feel too stupid to do math. But, I give it my best effort even though I don’t agree with drawing out a bunch of pictures and diagrams. Can’t we just memorize stuff like we used to?

The problem I am having lately is that my daughter is bringing home 8 pages of math that takes us 2 or 3 hours to complete because they haven’t even started to cover this material at school. I could barely pass a math class, now I am expected to give a lesson (or actually 4 this week). Thank God for the internet. One problem asked her to explain the Sieve of Eratosthenes. Excuse me? What’s that? An episode of Star Trek??

The above picture is the math homework we are to complete for this week. The first problem is done for us. It is, but not well. Look at what it says: 1 x 4 = 8 ??? If you can’t even send home an example that is correct, don’t do an example for us. Please. How many more years of this do I have left??

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YOLO, unless you’re Kenny from South Park

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yolo It’s wonderful when people want to make the most out of life. I love when people strive for monumental goals. Taking risks and taking chances is what life is all about. But, let me tell you, this YOLO thing has gotten completely out of control. For those of you living in the dark (I was for some time), let me explain. YOLO stands for You Only Live Once and, it has become the standard excuse for just doing whatever the hell you want to do.

I think the whole meaning of YOLO was lost somewhere along the way (Thanks, Drake). It wasn’t meant as a justification for acting stupid. It has now become a motto for those young and reckless. Well, take it from someone old and cautious, if you want to live past 30 (and have a life worth living), you might have to think about the consequences to your actions. YOLO should be used as a reminder to accomplish great things, take time out for the things that matter and put things in perspective. Not chug a beer, sleep around, jump off a cliff, treat people like crap and yell, YOLO!

P.S. Who was unaware that we only lived once in the first place??

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Any Questions?

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pink question mark Don’t you hate how people ask stupid questions ALL of the time? Think before you speak! “Can I ask you a question?” But, they don’t wait for an answer, they just start right in. How can we say no when somebody asks us that without being perceived as a total asshole? Sometimes, the answer is no! “Do you have the time?” No, actually I don’t have time to tell you the time. It’s not my fault you don’t own a watch or haven’t gotten on board with the rest of the world and purchased a phone. Figure it out, you’re not 3 years old. “Has the bus come yet?” Yes, it has. I however decided to keep standing here in the cold and wait for the next one so I wouldn’t miss this thrilling conversation with you. If you have to ask someone “Did that hurt?” odds are, it probably did. “Do you need some help with that?” Not at all. I love moving fridges by myself. It’s no problem. “Were you sleeping?” I WAS. Thanks a lot. There ARE dumb questions. Don’t ask them.

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Something’s Fishy!

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fish Just in case they missed my last few complaints, here is another one. Dear Wal-Mart: You suck, jackass! So, I am at the store yesterday afternoon with my two girls. Just grabbing a few groceries but then, decided to take a quick peek at the fish. My older daughter asked if we could get a couple of new goldfish to add to our tank. I agree and start the mad hunt to find an employee that will help.

My younger daughter is riding in the cart, diaper is nearing full capacity and the bottle has just run dry. Needless to say, I don’t have a ton of time but, how long could it take to grab a couple of goldfish?? I head to the Photo Center, No One is in sight. I head to the Fabric Desk, No One is in sight. I walk back past the Photo Center and find a person trying to escape into the back. I say “Hey, is there someone who could help us with a few fish?” She says, “I guess I could call someone.” I go and wait like a dumbass. Nobody shows. Many employees walk by but none of them will even make eye contact. I think screw it, let’s just leave. Then, my oldest daughter gives me the puppy dog eyes so I figured I would try one more time. I go to Electronics and find 4 young guys behind the counter. Two are on their cell phones and the other two are bragging about their “bitchin’ weekend”. One of them glances up and asks, “Do you need something?” I said “Yes! I need fish and, a person WITHOUT an attitude. Is there anyone here who can throw some goldfish into a bag so I can go home?” He gives me a crusty look but replies “I will send someone ma’am, just go over there and wait.” So I do, again. Waiting…Waiting… Finally a guy comes and helps us even though he wasn’t on the clock yet (he just happened to be walking by and I pounced on him). I said “What would happen if I just helped myself? It seems to be self-serve.” He just laughed.

Ok. Making progress. We get to the checkout counter. Then, we notice water is shooting out of the bag with the fish in it. The cashier asks rudely, “Do you live out of town?” I replied “No, but I don’t live next door!” She says it will be fine and just throws the leaking bag of fish into a plastic sack. Then, rings them up and we were charged for the wrong kind of fish and double the price! I complain. She says there is nothing she can do about it and I said, “Well, isn’t that convenient.”

I drive like a crazed cabbie to get the fish home before they croak. We made it and they lived through the night so I am hoping for the best. Wal-Mart, if you don’t want to sell fish, don’t! Oh, and split up those pretty boys in the Electronics section…

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Turn the Page

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Hemingway I miss books! Everything is in digital form now, even newspapers and magazines. Although this does present some great advantages, I like the nice crisp feel of turning the pages of a book. I miss the smell of a book. I miss the satisfaction of turning that last page and shutting the book for a final time with an authoritative snap. I like to fold the pages down, write in the margins and even occasionally smash bugs with my book. You can’t do that with a digital copy. Of course, if it wasn’t for E-books, my shelves would be overflowing (more than they already are). But for me, sometimes only a hard copy will do. Especially for the classics. And, if I didn’t own those big, heavy masterpieces, how would I flatten flowers for my craft projects?

Beating The Winter Blues

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freezing winter

    Living in Montana, people often complain about the frigid, never-ending winters. I’m with ya. It is inevitable that we will run out of milk or diapers on the coldest damn day of the year. After unburying the car from a few feet of snow, I find the windows still covered in rock hard ice. 20 minutes later and with no feeling in my fingers, I can finally proceed to the store. Next, I get stuck in our parking lot and have to find a neighbor kind enough to shove me out. I arrive at the store and my butt falls right down on the ice in the parking lot. Now, I am limping and look like I pissed myself (I didn’t, really!). This may not be the most fun you have ever had but, it is a beautiful place to live and there are some perks to a long, cold winter! Here are a few you may have forgotten…

    1. You always have an excuse! Get out of stuff you don’t want to do! Just tell them the roads are too bad or your car won’t start.

    2. You don’t have to shave your legs! You need that extra insulation to stay warm. Besides, shorts season won’t be here for at least another 5 months…or 6…or 7. Hell, it may still be snowing in July. And guys, grow that beard! It’s Grizzly Adams season.

    3. More Sex! Hey, there isn’t much else to do. The two of you are stuck inside together, what are you going to do? Talk about your feelings?? Keep each other warm!

    4. A free ticket to bitch! Everyone loves to complain about how cold it is and tell their survival story. They will gladly listen to you moan on and on too. Don’t you hate that old guy on the block that always asks “Is it cold enough for you?” No, actually it isn’t. I would like it to be -50 rather than just -30.

    5. Delicious Food! We always rationalize our dinner selections by citing the temp outside. We NEED those soups, stews, casseroles and chili! This is a matter of survival!

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Just My Size

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clothing sizes I am always confused by the sizes used to label clothing. “One size fits all” is one of my favorites. Get serious. I think the system has progressed now and clothes will be marked “One size fits most”. Still a lie. One size may fit a select few, that’s all. Even when clothes are labeled with a size, couldn’t all of the companies work universally on this? A size 12 jeans in one brand will fit but then I need an 18 for a different brand. S, M and L markings leave a little bit to be desired too. For me, just come out with an H line (for huge) and I will purchase that.

Kids clothes aren’t any better. Either my daughter has an enormously large head or, they need to make the hole much bigger. Then, the arms are so tight, she looks like a body builder. And, what’s the difference between 2T and 24 months?? Shoes are completely frustrating. Again, either my kid has massive feet or these companies need to make something realistic and not something made for a doll.

I despise fitting rooms so I just guess and hope for the best. I am NOT a good guesser. It’s depressing realizing the size you actually are. I should start a clothing line in which something marked size 5 is really a 15. Then, maybe we could feel good about ourselves again.

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Frightfully Speaking

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public speakingAccording to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” -Jerry Seinfeld. Isn’t that crazy? Why are we so afraid of public speaking? What do we think is going to happen? We might pass out? We might throw up? Our pants might fall down?

The first speech I gave in public speaking class was a bit rocky to say the least. None of the above mentioned things occurred but plenty of other things did. I sat in the desk sweating profusely as I waited my turn. I was praying the Degree deodorant would hold out so I wouldn’t be sporting huge pit stains. My palms were all clammy. I sat there with a stupid grin on my face pretending to listen to the other speakers when in reality, all I was doing was running through what I was going to say over and over in my head. I was so engrossed in my own thoughts, I never even heard the professor call my name. He finally asked “Jolene, will you be joining us today?” I hopped up in such a frenzy, I tripped on my skirt and practically landed in a classmate’s lap. The class was hysterical. I tried to laugh it off and said “Sorry Jack, I was just trying to get to know you a little better.”

I got up to the podium and drew a blank. All of those faces were just intently staring at me, expecting something coherent to come out of my mouth. Nothing did. What came out was a bunch of gibberish. It was like I was speaking Klingon or something. The professor told me to take a deep breath and start again. I did but my index cards were all mixed up so now I was totally lost. I panicked and just started making stuff up! I was talking so fast, I ended 3 minutes earlier than I was supposed to. But, 50 “ums” later, I had finally made it through and could go sit back down (and hide my head in shame). I spent hours and hours on this project and then didn’t deliver anything even remotely close to what I had planned.

Of course, the professor was kind enough to video tape the entire thing so the humiliation can reign on and on. We even had to “evaluate” our performance. What could be said about mine? I think WTF? came up a few times in my review.

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My Day Job

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crazy mom
I get up in the morning with the best of intentions. Today, I am going to finish that article I have been working on, complete the illustrations on our book and answer that gigantic inbox collecting in my Gmail. But, the next time I look at the clock, it’s 2pm and all that has been accomplished is 1/2 load of laundry, a few dishes and I managed to get dressed. I still have cheerios in my hair, I fell asleep in the chair trying to get the baby to take a nap and, the living room looks like a cyclone hit it. Working from home is one of the hardest jobs I have ever had.

Sure, you don’t have to deal with those nasty co-workers anymore. But, as trying as they were, you didn’t have to change their diapers (they must have done that themselves), or constantly either feed them or entertain them. The reality is, if you are at home with the kids, very little work will ever get done. I have learned to haul ass during nap time. I am like the flash. Then, I need a another nap.

Your spouse and friends won’t understand either. No one will even believe you have a real job with yes, actual deadlines! They are under the impression that you should be able to take care of everything and some of their crap too. They don’t realize that every phone call, errand and walk through the kitchen (my office!) is taking away from my work day. You also lose all of that fun banter shared around the water cooler. Now how will I know who’s cheating on their spouse, who’s getting fired and who’s gained 20 pounds. Oh right, there is still Facebook. You don’t get to clock out either, this work day never ends. So, I better get back to it…

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