Tell Me A Story

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scary taleA young girl is caught breaking and entering. A brother and sister are abducted and locked in a cage. An evil woman is found abusing her stepdaughter. Nope, it’s not the evening news, it’s story time for our little ones. Have you ever thought about the fairy tales we tell to our children? Witches, violence and death; it’s all there. But, is there anything wrong with that? I still read these stories to my girls (although some, not at bedtime). It might be time that we stop sugar-coating things for our kids.

You know the drill, 20 five year olds competing in a race and we have to give a pretty ribbon to every damn one of them. C’mon, there is only one “winner” and we all know it. We praise our children for every single thing they do in life. We tell them they can do anything they want to do, even be president! What we don’t tell them is the huge pile of crap they will have to wade through to get there. By making everything sunshine and rainbows, we aren’t being realistic. The world is a tough, cruel place at times and what a shock that will be if we continue to shelter our children from every boo hoo moment. Tell your kids they are wonderful, they are! Just don’t ignore life lessons and go ahead and slip in Hansel and Gretel, they will survive.

Pull The Plug!

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plug  I sort of hate technology. Sure, I sort of love technology too. But, what I hate is the fact that we can never disconnect. By creating a world where we are always “plugged in”, there is never a moment of peace. With smartphones, laptops, I-pads, I-pods, Kindles and so  on, there is nowhere left to run and nowhere left to hide.

There are probably just a handful of individuals in the world who are so important, they need to be reachable at all times. What is wrong with the rest of us? With our cellphones in our pockets 24/7, your boss, your mother in law and even your cable provider are able to harass you at any time. And, have you noticed how angry people get if you don’t answer the phone right away? Excuse me for wanting to eat my lunch or take a piss in private! But, if you don’t answer, or don’t call back within five minutes, then the text messages will start coming in. “What are you doing?”, “Why aren’t you answering?”, “Are you ignoring me?” Yes, I am ignoring you because you won’t leave me the hell alone! Call or text a person one time. If they want to get back to you, they will. Otherwise, rent a clue and move on to tormenting the next person. Or better yet, leave the technology at home and go out and enjoy life a little bit.

The Dirty Truth

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male housekeeper Have you ever asked your husband to help around the house?? What type of results did you get? The “help” that we receive can be somewhat unsettling. If you ask for help with the dishes, you end up with plates and bowls that still have food stuck on them. Ask for assistance with the laundry and you will find a pile of wrinkled clothes left in the dryer. If you ask them to go shopping, they will be gone for an hour, come home with 4 bags and still not have purchased what you need. Don’t even ask them about dusting or cleaning the toilet, they have never heard of those things. And, if you ever want that pile of crumbs cleaned up from under the toaster, do it yourself.

The good news is, your men are not stupid!! They are actually pretty clever. I believe they purposely suck at everything we ask them to do. Then, they know we will never ask them for their help again. We will get so frustrated that we will stop nagging them and just do the work ourselves. Doing a crappy job is their golden ticket!

But now ladies, don’t think we are without fault. Many times, we wouldn’t be satisfied with any job they do because it isn’t the way we would do it! We can’t set them up for failure. If you want some help around the kitchen, sometimes you just have to let the toast crumbs slide.

 

Turkey Time!

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turkeytime Way too many people crammed under one roof. The endless interrogations regarding school, work, kids, relationships and so on… Mounds of food and enough alcohol to open up a local bar. Oh, Thanksgiving! You have snuck up on us again!

Why do we force ourselves to spend time with “the family” at Thanksgiving? Is this ever really an enjoyable event? Can’t we be thankful in the comfort of our own home? If the family can’t stand each other the rest of the year, Thanksgiving won’t be any different. Add the stress and tension of the holiday (and an ample amount of booze) and somebody is ending up with a black eye. Yes, we love our families. But, not enough to spend a whole day with them. Let’s love from afar.

If you are one of the few who actually has a family that enjoys one another and the cops don’t need to be called, good for you! For the rest of you, try not to hurt each other today. Bail money is getting too expensive.

Unity

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pokemeWhat is the deal with couples that share a Facebook page?? It’s cute that SuzyandShawn Smith love each other so much, they are one; even in cyber world. Don’t these two posses identities of their own? Are they implying that they work together now as one mind? If not, how are we to know who is speaking to us within each post? For example, if Shawn wrote a comment to me I may find it funny. But, if Suzy posted it, I may find that offensive. And, how can I leave comments for them? Especially if I like Shawn but hate Suzy (and she probably hates me too).

I am calling bullshit on the “eternal bliss” façade. These two share a Facebook page because one of them doesn’t trust the other one, period. One person isn’t allowed to have their own account because they may find their old high school sweetheart and “poke” him or her inappropriately. Give me a break! If your mate wants to cheat on you, they will. They certainly don’t need Facebook to do it. A good marriage needs trust. So, let go, get your own damn Facebook account and allow your partner to do the same. Then, at least I know who I am “poking”.

Superwoman

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busy mom “What have you been doing all day?” For those of us who are stay at home moms, this is a question we often hear. The kids are still alive, right?? That’s what I have been doing all day. But, there is a misconception that most of us watch soap operas, take long naps and maybe bake a batch of cookies. Nothing could be further from the truth.

The roles of a mother are endless. My day consists of cooking, cleaning and wiping ass. Then, repeat. I am usually wearing some type of bodily fluid and if I am lucky enough to catch a shower, I consider it a good day. On top of the already demanding routine, we take on tasks such as accountant, chauffeur, psychologist, nurse, repairman, seamstress and teacher; just to name a few. We love what we do and wouldn’t trade it for the world. But, don’t think our only concern is whether we have become a  Pinterest mother of the year yet.  We are mostly just trying to survive. Now, go thank your mom (or dad)!

Quality Control

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new  I am always a little disgusted when I go to the store to pick up some detergent and the bottle says “New and Improved Formula”. What the hell have I been using up until this point?? I guess consumers are forced to use the “best crap we could come up with” formula until they take all our money, come up with a better product and then charge us even more for it.

Pop bottles that read “Great New Taste”. As opposed to the shitty tasting stuff you usually have to drink? If your soda doesn’t have a great taste to begin with, should you really be in this business? Or, at least don’t put your junk onto the shelves until you actually have this stuff figured out.

Diapers are often labeled “Now Extra Absorbent”. At what point did they think we wouldn’t want an absorbent diaper?? And what about “Extra Strength” Tylenol? Is there a regular strength for those who don’t mind dealing with some pain? For my buck, give me the best of what you’ve got. Great tasting, super absorbent and the maximum strength known to man.

 

Out of Focus

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selfie  If a picture is worth a thousand words, how much is a selfie worth? Every time I go online, I am bombarded with selfies. Couldn’t you find a friend to take the picture? Or better yet, include the friend in the photo so it’s not so damn weird. We love you, ok? But, we don’t need to see your mug every single day. I promise we won’t forget you but how can we miss you if you won’t go away? Occasional self promotion is alright, but sometimes I would rather look at your car, your dog, or even what you’re having for dinner. So, mix it up a bit.

My husband told me about a “selfie kit” he saw for sale at the store. Everything you need to take the best selfies. Does it also include instructions for how to get a life?? Unless you are a hermit in the woods or living on a deserted island (where you wouldn’t have internet anyway!) there is always someone to take a photo for you. Even strangers on the street will help you out, just ask. Please consider the option of photographing other things in the world; a statue, a flower, anything. Please.

A Classic Fit

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small clothesFat guy in a little coat. Sure, Chris Farley sported this look in Tommy Boy and it was hilarious. In the real world, not so much. Why do people insist on wearing clothes that don’t fit them? Don’t they know they look ridiculous? If you have to lay on the bed to button the jeans or if only one ass cheek can fit in comfortably, they don’t fit! If the coat won’t button or you do manage to get it buttoned and you are busting out of it like the Hulk, it doesn’t fit! A size 16 rear end is still a size 16 even crammed into size 8 pants. I know most of us wish we were skinnier but let’s face it. Food is too good!

I refuse to wear clothes that don’t fit. I do not want to spend all day pulling my underwear out of my butt! I just start throwing clothes away. I used to save them for the day when I “shed a few pounds” but I am not that delusional any more. I know we should all eat healthier and exercise more but let’s get real. With Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up, we will all be tipping the scales.

Bag My Groceries

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shopper It’s parking lot is overflowing with redneck drivers who will continually drive in circles to find a spot 3 feet closer to the front door. It’s aisles are filled with hundreds of unhappy shoppers, many of whom are “bringing sexy back” in their best pj’s. It’s Wal-Mart. Watch out, it will suck the life right out of you.

I swear, when you walk through the doors of that place, your mood instantly darkens. It is so frustrating trying to shove past two fully loaded carts with screaming kids just to grab a loaf of bread. Then you have the individuals who seem to be there simply to browse. Like this is their social event of the day or something. What about the people who insist on blocking the entire aisle while they have a deep debate about the best daycare in town? Keep it moving!! I just want to get my crap and get the hell out of here!

After you discover you either couldn’t find most of your items or, they were sold out, you navigate your way to the check-out counter. Great News! 2 checkers for the entire store and one of them seems to be half asleep!

By the time I get the car loaded and am pulling out to leave, I am ready to run everybody down. Why do we keep doing this to ourselves? Because, we can’t afford to shop anywhere else! I can’t wait for the holiday shopping to begin…