Trick or Treat?!

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nov-1  This Halloween turned out to be “trick-less” for me and I’m not kidding. What the heck is wrong with kids these days?! First, they show up at my door and pound continuously until I answer. Give me a break, children. I’m coming! I’m just old and have to roll off the couch to get there. So then, I answer and the kid just stares at me. I stare back. There is an awkward silence until I relent and deposit a Kit-Kat into his bucket. He stares at me once again and then cuts across the lawn to the next place. This happened with nearly every goblin who graced our house this year. I think the words you are searching for are “Trick or Treat”! At the very least, give me a “thank you” upon your departure. Hell, at this point I would even take a smile. Rude!! I can excuse the younger ones but the older kids should know better. I really felt a great urge to start beaming them in the forehead with their fun size treats. This morning I was blessed with the added joy of cleaning up candy wrappers from all over the yard. That’s it. Next year I’m going to be one of those moms who hands out dental floss. There’s a fun size treat for ya- plaque on a string.

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Extra, Extra! Read all about it!

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newspaper   It’s hard to read all about it when your newspaper carrier only brings the paper by on a rare occasion. I know, get with the times and read your news online! I do that too. Ok, only Facebook really. So, whatever makes the headlines there is my education for the day. I may not know what is happening in the world but I can tell you the latest Kanye drama. But still, I like getting the paper (mainly for the funnies and the occasional crossword). I have paid for a subscription. What seems to be the problem?? Today I called the newspaper office for the hundredth time and I was in fact told what the problems are.

  1. It is my fault that I live on a route where few others receive a newspaper so it’s possible to get skipped due to my unacceptable location. (I live on a college campus so you figure that one out).
  2. It is also my fault that I live in an apartment building because in the dark it is hard to see the numbers. (We live on a main street right next to some very large street lights).
  3. I should not be angry I didn’t receive my paper. (This is at least the 40th time this has happened so I may have been a wee bit irritated).
  4. My missed paper cannot be re-delivered. (No explanation why).
  5. If I am lucky, I may receive a paper tomorrow but if not, I am welcome to call the office. (Sure, because that worked wonders this time).
  6. I will not be receiving any credit on my account because “These things happen”. (Of course they do but this is ignorance in excess and I am tired of paying for a paper I can’t read).
  7. If I need further assistance, I can call and talk to Lisa. (I ask, “Are you Lisa?” She said “No.”)

So there you have it, everything explained in black and white…

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Stars, Stripes and Trucker Hats

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trucker hat     As we celebrate America’s 240th Birthday, all I ask is one thing… Can we PLEASE keep the redneck antics down to a dull roar?? Yes we are Americans and hell yes, we should be proud of it. So, I am all for parades, fireworks shows, waving old glory and gathering with friends. On the other hand, there are several staple activities I for one could stand to see a little less of. Here are just a few…

Wearing flags as clothing. I actually saw a girl wearing nothing but a flag as a dress accompanied by a pair of cowboy boots. I doubt she is neither patriotic or a cowboy, but there she was flaunting it down main street. I have also seen American flags used as blankets, curtains and car covers. Let’s keep the flag on the pole where it belongs.

The battle of “My fireworks are the Best”. People spend thousands of dollars on fireworks each year. WHY?? Someone else has already handled that for you and puts on a display for everyone. Your show is not needed or appreciated. But, there are always two hillbillies in the Kmart parking lot jockeying for the trophy. It typically ends in a fist fight and at least one or two digits blown off. Yes, you are winners for sure. And, thanks for keeping us up all night in the name of Lady Liberty.

A few less drunken uncles and cousins. Wherever you find 4th of July festivities, you will also find cousin Billy passed out in one of those aluminum lawn chairs and sun burnt to a crisp wearing a “I Love America” trucker hat. Pabst beer is the blue ribbon winner after all so, I guess in some small way that counts as patriotic. Go ahead and enjoy, but stop before you are drooling and pissing yourself.

So today, let’s be American. Let’s just not be stupid Americans. The politicians already have that covered…

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Ears On The Road

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earbuds   What’s with all of these idiots driving around with ear buds in? Seems much worse (or at least the same) as texting or talking on the phone. I don’t think the phone is the problem, I think it is the conversation. If you are in a monster fight with your boyfriend, your state of mind might not be the best for maneuvering turns or parallel parking. Music is my vice. I am always fumbling around with the iPod finding my sick beats and paying less attention than I should to the road. I have seen people apply makeup while driving and even reading a book. Don’t you just love those people who are eating while driving?! It’s never like a banana or an apple either. It is a Big Mac Meal dripping all over the place. The guy with the ear buds today was enjoying a juicy burger WHILE he rocked his ear buds. Both things must have been enjoyable as he was perfectly content to sit at a red light for not one but two cycles. Blasting on the horn doesn’t help and unfortunately he couldn’t see my finger. They need to make some of those #1 fingers like they do for sports games except let’s change the finger. This guy was definitely #1 in my book.

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For Your Protection

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credit card   Technology has beat me down again; this time in the form of my credit and debit cards. Lucky me, all of my cards expired at the end of January. Yes, ALL of them. So now I am a hobo with no cash (pretty much the same thing I was before). But now, I have no identity either. My debit card never arrived even though I remember filling out a change of address form last year. I didn’t sweat it too much. But when two other cards never arrived either, I had to start wondering what the hell is going on? I don’t know if it is the fault of the companies or the fault of the fabulous U. S. Postal service but something isn’t right. How can 3 different cards NEVER arrive? We have a locked mailbox. We also have a mailwoman who I am convinced is a binge drinker (often on the job). You do the math.

I first called the card company for the card with the most money on it. So, I call and wait for 30 minutes to talk to a human. I have entered all of my personal information already and answered security questions. A woman who speaks very little English comes on the line. She asks me a series of more questions for “security purposes”. I answer those as well. I explain the situation and finally get her to understand. She looks up the address on file and it is in fact the address I currently live at. She tells me that they mailed my new card on Dec. 15th. I said ok, but I never received it! She tells me I will have to file for a replacement. Why do I have to file for anything? You messed up, not me. In order to file for a replacement, you need to have a driver’s license with your current address. Well, of course my license has my old address on it. I ask if there is another way. She said if I had 3 forms of another kind of ID and a current bill that I could fax those in but only after a 5 day waiting period. I start getting a bit irritated because now this sounds like work. She gets snippy with me and says this is to ensure MY safety. Well congratulations morons, you have ensured that the authorized user of the account can’t gain access to it. I feel so much better now.

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The Value Of A Dollar

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money   I find it humorous that some forms of money are more acceptable than others. Money is money, right? Sorry if it isn’t convenient for you but it’s all I’ve got! We seem to have become a society where cold hard cash is frowned upon. Is that because people are unable to count change back (they are)? If you are at the grocery store and pay with cash, people stare at you like you are some sort of freak. Yes, I still carry cash (if I have any). I am a fan. If you have the nerve to try writing a check, watch out! It is frowned upon for sure. Even the 80 year old grandmas get snubbed with a move like that. Swipe your card and keep the cattle line moving.

I am trying to teach my daughter the value of money. She has been saving for a few months to go on a Dollar Store outing. Today was the day. She had saved $25 so she was all excited. She carefully picked out her items. We went to the checkout and I let her handle everything herself. The cashier was one of the rudest people I have ever dealt with. She wouldn’t even address my daughter even though she is the one making the purchase. My daughter went to pay and the cashier really started in. Sure, the money is a bit crumpled, a lot of it is ones and it isn’t all facing the same direction. She has been carrying it around in a little mermaid purse. Who cares? Humor the kid. Nope, she was rolling her eyes and let out several heavy sighs. I get that being a cashier sucks, I have been there. But, it is in fact your job so don’t take it out on my girl. The cashier finally says “Is there anything ELSE I can do for you?!” I said “No, you have done quite enough.” My daughter asked if she had done something wrong. I assured her that not all people are like that (I hope that’s true) and maybe this woman was just having a bad day. In the end, we came home with a huge bag of crap. I can’t wait until the heads and arms start falling off the Barbie dolls. Maybe next time we will opt for more quality (product and customer service). I wonder where we could find that.

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Some People Don’t Measure Up

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height   Generally, I enjoy being a tall person. Let’s face it, being tall helps to distribute the fat evenly. Sometimes however, being tall comes with its own set of problems. I remember being the tallest person in grade school for quite some time (even taller than the boys). I was always some sort of freak. You are forced to stand in the back for all pictures, programs, etc. What this essentially means is that you could show up in your pajamas because nobody will ever SEE your outfit anyway. You become a big floating head in the middle of all the munchkins. Being tall also means you will get asked the stupidest questions. Let me assure you, the weather is exactly the same up here as it is down there. And no, I don’t play basketball. If I am in the grocery store, I am asked to reach things from high shelves. That’s fine except for the fact that I don’t ask short people to bend over and grab stuff from the bottom shelves for me. People want to know how tall you are but you could never ask someone how short they are. Are your parents tall? Well duh, somebody must be or else where would it come from? Some people think there is a “tall people’s club” and we all know each other. We don’t. Yes, I hit my head on stuff and yes, it hurts more when I fall. I have a lot further down to go. I don’t ask you if you are familiar with garden gnomes so don’t ask me if I know who Shaquille O’neal is.

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Too Many Chefs In The Kitchen

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chef   My daughter is obsessed with the Chef. Chef Boyardee that is. Yep, pasta in a can. We should own stock in the company. A while ago the “easy open lids” came out on these cans of yuckiness. Right. Because it was so HARD to use a can opener? Who was having a difficult time with that task? They may need more help than an easy open lid. I have never been a fan of the extra “help”. I am a pro with a can opener and I don’t appreciate your condescending attitude, Mr. Chef. Then, the lids disappeared for a while and we were back to the primitive open your own can status. I was thrilled. Now, there is a need for me in the world again. But recently, out of nowhere, the easy open lids are back. Things have taken a turn for the worse. The easy open lid is a pullback tab. It DOES seem like it should be easy. It is not. Here’s why. I am trying to get into this damn can early in the morning so the Chef can grace my daughter’s lunch bag. I have only had a couple hours of sleep but I figure one eye open is all that is necessary for this task. I pull on the tab and off comes the tab in my hand but the can’s lid is still tightly in place. I cuss, pull out my yesteryear can opener and flip the can over. They have ensured I can’t access the can that way by putting some huge lip around the edge so my can opener can’t go on. I flip the can back. I try for 15 minutes to get in as I go over and over it with my can opener finding no success. Next, I get out the steak knife and try to pry my way in through that one little notch I have finally established. It takes some extra pressure but I make a little progress. I now grab onto the lid and bend it back. It eventually goes but spaghetti has splashed all over me, the counter, the fridge, the microwave, etc. More cussing. At this point I realize I have cut my finger and I am dripping blood into the spaghetti. Oh well red is red, right? I wrap my finger in a paper towel and continue on to eventual success. Easy open tab?? You suck, Chef.

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Printer Offline

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printer   I don’t know about you, but I clearly have a printer that rolls with the dark side. I have never had much luck with printers but this one is the worst piece of junk to ever grace my wannabe printer stand. It won’t scan, won’t make copies, won’t print wireless, won’t print plugged in (at least not when you want it to) or any other general functions of a decent printer. I know what you’re thinking but no, it isn’t operator error. My husband can’t get the thing to work either and he is the technically savvy one. Out of 6 computers in our home, it will only recognize 2 and that is on a good day. We have to reinstall the software on those 2 computers often. It won’t do wireless so you have to plug in. The first 2 or 3 times you hit print it won’t do anything. So, we do the classic dumb human thing and keep hitting print several more times expecting a different result. Finally, 1 copy will print (maybe). Sometimes it will give up mid-job for no apparent reason. In the middle of the night when everyone is sleeping but me it will start printing out those other 20 copies of that last document. Sometimes it will bust something out from a few months ago or even something I have never seen before in my life. It laughs and mocks me almost daily. Maybe he is angry that I won’t get him a real printer stand or he’s pissed that I let dust collect on him. But, if he (yes, it’s male for sure) would work properly, I might take him out to play more often. I’d like to drop kick him and haul him to the dumpster but I am afraid he might come back to haunt me. Thank goodness my printing needs are few and far between these days.

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Game Face

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bball   I am having a bad insurance day. And by that I mean I would like to rip somebody’s head off at one of these companies. What exactly is the point of having insurance when they cover nothing?? Because the law says so? Oooh, I am super scared now. The law should then also ensure that these insurance companies cover needed procedures as well. I am tired of hearing things were a “preexisting condition” or some other crap they made up. My daughter fell down at basketball practice and knocked her front teeth out of place. Blood all over and she was in a lot of pain. Silly me, I took her to the dentist who put them back where they belonged. Took about 45 minutes. But, since it was on a Saturday it suddenly was not medically necessary. When a person’s teeth are out of place, I DO think it is necessary to fix that, Saturday or not. My daughter is “covered” by two different insurance companies yet neither of them will pay a dime. Now my daughter can never go to the dentist until I figure out how I can get this bill paid. Guess I have to roll her in bubble wrap or something…

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